From a phonecall with a mother with similar lack of functioning brain cells

"It was all over the show..."

Does that mean the shop has to go on?

A right goose

This brightened up my Monday no end. From a clearly passionate blogger regarding the Howard government's sluggish action on climate change:

we can no longer beleive the proper gander
and deceptive spin that our government
delivers

After protest, the next step is to come up with a proper sition for his MP.

Divided we concur?

From an email today, and I quote:

"...but this complexifies the model as we would have to manage too many objectives if we demultiply the objectives"

I'll let it speak for itself.

Poorly grounded

Someone at work today is obviously far too busy, given their comment:

"I've been working myself in to the bone!"

No doubt accompanied by much blood, sweat & tears.

Access success

Our secure internet log-in requires you to utilise a "SecureID" token to verify you have permission to access the site. This is done using a small fob that displays a 6-digit code that changes every minute. You enter the code on the website, and a message appears advising if you log-in has been successful or not. If you're successful you're told that your:

"Identification succeeded"

I would have thought this meant your log-in is now out of date, but it lets you access anyway.

Ebay Engrish is fun!

Wow, not only do I have to struggle to find something actually wearable while breastfeeding, but I get to read great descriptions of nursing tops like this:

"This shirt avoid discommodiousness at working or forgather in lactation..."

Sounds bloody complicated.

Miss Communication 2006

Oops, a deadline was sent out in an email, but we actually wanted an item actioned earlier. Anyone affected was offered my apologies for the missed communications from this end.

Someone was way off message with our target audience.

short order

Asagao, at Manly Wharf, has a quality, but limited selection of take-away options. This was restricted even further now that the photo displaying the beef udon is marked "out of order".
We had the chicken.

an oversion to spelling

As a member of The Wilderness Society, I'm treated to monthly letters urging me on to greater heights of activisim and generosity. The language is as florid as a Chinese translation and has such gems as this to keep members amused:

"... the United Nations identified the two primary drivers of species extinction as habitat destruction and human-induced climate change, and said that immediate action must be taken to overt the crisis."

It could be a simple plea to 'out' the two-pronged approach to extinction, but I somehow doubt it...

tough day at the office

On a particularly busy night in the restaurant kitchen, things have started bad, gone to worse, then gone downhill and finally over the edge into chaos.
The head chef crystallizes the atmosphere of his anger and frustration as he shouts at everyone

" you guys don't know fuck about shit!!!"

somewhere deep below the concentration , adrenaline and fear, people remind themselves to laugh at that when its all over.

Blue Blooper

From today's SMH TV guide mag: A brief history of factual TV where shows like Beyond 2000, RPA and Good Medicine were mentioned. This was not a tongue-in-cheek article, no wordplay intended - just the summaries.

Sex (1992-93)
Sophie lee turned factual to frisky when Nine took an up-close and personal look at the social, medical and psychological aspects of our sex lives. No holes were barred and this excellent series was alternately praised and criticised for its frank imagery.

Its legacy lives on...

Exceptional work

Checking my emails this morning I came across two from one of my reps. In the first she asked...

"...if it would be possible to pay this from your pop of money?"

In the other, she was discussing someone who had submitted a scientific paper to a journal and she will...

"...letus know if the journal excepts it."

Ough dare. Lukes like hair spal chequer dusn't werk.

A stink of a problem!

One of our managers was asked to review the reason we were finding air bubbles in some of our silicone parts. The real root cause was because air inside the silicone expanded during the curing process. On the report she wrote:


"Root Cause: Release of gas during silicone curing."


Corrective action: no more beans for our operators!

funny peculiar

I don't even know if this is funny, because I have no idea what it means... I've never heard this expression before and can't find it when googling away. Perhaps the latest thing is not to mix metaphors, but create your own.

This was in an email regarding the fact that our head office contacts the home university of any student who fails 2 or more classes in a semester in Australia. From my counterpart about to make this phonecall, she checks a detail with me because:

I like to be prepared, especially when I'm calling the Citadel
and have to speak to a Colonial!

If anyone has any clue, bail me out!

Thanks, but no thanks.

Julia had recently given some tuition to a girl doing linguistics at Uni. Well, the girl passed with flying colours and left a message on our phone to thank Jules for her help:


"Just wanted you to know ... (blah blah blah) ... passed with 74% ... (blah blah blah) ...
I couldn't have done it with you ... (blah blah blah)"


Charming!

does anyone else find this weird?

"see in-store"

come and see-enquire?
what's in store?
once I'm in there does it all become obvious?
am I currently out-store?

Don't we have shops anymore?

Would you bid for one?

I was looking to inform myself about the history of the current crisis in the middle east, so I put the following string into a search engine: "history of the middle east crisis". This was the third option I was given.


" 3. Looking for Middle East Crisis?
Low prices, wide selection. Find exactly what you want today.
Sponsored by: www.ebay.com "


Mine's in the post - quite literally!

Go into bat

The Dazzler and I had a substitute yoga teacher this week. In a suitably skin-crawly, breathy voice, she announced that:

"we're going to get into meditation straight from the word bat"

This phrase then became my mantra for the duration of the class... She stayed breathy but endeared herself further during the class, you'll be glad to hear.

Singaporeans have had enough! To eat!

Headline in a Singaporean newspaper (reprinted in The Guardian): "S'poreans are fed, up with progress!"

Machine which goes "ping"

On the way up to the maternity ward I notice beneath the emergency stop button in the Mater hospital lift,

"unauthorised use of this button effects the working of this elevator"

at least they have a constant supply of people 'qualified' to make the lift work for the staff.

Imminently expecting mother "...but what do I do?"

John Cleese as doctor "Nothing dear - you're not qualified."

Sort it out

I've just been reading a new scientific paper on one of my drugs, which concludes with the sentence:

"The elegant simplicity of targetting biologic therapies will help sort the whey from the chaff..."

Milking it for all its worth? They though they curd right whatever they wanted? Wheat will they come up with next?

Immaculate misconception

I spotted this in a brochure (a friend's brochure) advertising an information evening for expecting dads. One of the exciting events listed for the night was the opportunity to:

"Talk to a dad who delivered his own baby"

A night probably well worth the $50 entry fee.

a good sought

From the Art Gallery of NSW weekly email listing Akmal Saleh as guest speaker this Wednesday (as if that wasn't unlikely enough):

After only a few years, Akmal became one of the most sort after acts, touring with International Comedians such as Steven Wright, Ben Elton and the Amazing Jonathan.

Talk about being pigeon-holed.

House rules apply

Our admin assistants have a monthly meeting, and the MD's new admin assistant has decided she will now be responsible for running them. From her email announcing this:

"I have explained that any meeting that I Chair will be coordinated in a co-herant and organised manor"

I know we're short on meeting rooms around here, but have they really had to go offsite to a stately home? Anyone know what a herant is or what happens when you put something alongside one of them?

is it a language funny or a pile of...

Not sure it really qualifies here, but given some of Gdav's I figure why not.
Maybe you all read it, but I'm surprised by those who haven't heard it yet (obviously they read some OTHER newspaper)

Our friends Brad and Ange (just to clarify - not the cult leaders, but the celebrities) have named their baby Shiloh Pitt.

Swap P, and Sh.go on.

and my Mother in Law thinks she has a right to complain about baby names to me!?!!
phwaah (sound of dismissal).

Last call

I was sitting in Sydney Airport patiently waiting to board my plane when an announcement along the lines of
"This is the last call for Qantas flight xx. Would Mr Zhu Ming please make your way to gate 33 immediately. "
boomed over the loud speakers. As this was repeated in various ways over about a 20 minute period, it became quite plain that this poor man was having an identity crisis and he was not zooming at all!!

A dish best served...

I heard this one on ABC 702 this afternoon... A woman had lunch at her mother-in-law's, and after the main course the mother got up from the table and announced she was:

"Serving a Vendetta (Vienetta) for desert"

And now for a few words (or not) from our Patron:

Not some of his better (or worse) moments, but worth a look all the same:

Click here to view

urnotserious

I heard this story today about a doctor who visited the brother of a patient who had just died from prostate cancer. When the doctor arrived, the brother invited him in by saying:

"Please, come on in - we're just writing the urology for the funeral"

Makes me wonder if the doctor was a Eulogist, or if he wet himself laughing.

Fergoodnesssake

Spotted on the way to work this morning - a ute belonging to an airconditioning and electrical service company. The company name/logo emblazoned on the side of said ute looked something like the following:

"Ferconel"

Making a change - but not one the spellchecker suggested

We are about to launch a new insulin called "Lantus", and job adverts for various new positions are flooding the companys' inbox's. The latest begins:

"Lantus changes patient lives"

I'm not sure if this means you need to suffer from diabetes and multiple personality disorder, or if the fact that you've waited for four years for the government to out it on the PBS means it will work for you.

It all fell apart at the end

At the end of a colleague's performance review, which had generally been very positive, her managed summed up by saying:

"This year has really fallen in to pieces for you hasn't it?"

Only when it comes to mixed metaphors.

Wishful thinking?

A friend I used to work with is shaving his head for the World's Greatest Shave in aid of Leukaemia. This was part of his email requesting sponsorship.


"This is also an excuse for me to look into the future and see what I will look like in five years when the rest of my already reseeding hair falls out."


It was one of those examples where the world would be poorer had Microsoft developed the sense checker instead of the spell checker.

For the love of...

Dunno what caused this one - was the spellchecker not quite forthright enough? Or maybe she just had a listhp and was using voice recognition software (V.4). Or then perhaps she just didn't hit the "U" key with enough force. There could even be a fourth reason, however the email began:

"The forth of the NSW Alliance on-line talks will..."

Which reminds me - only 3 more sleeps until International Star Wars Day on... May the Fourth.

Major boredom

From a teleconference this time. One participant spoke of:

"A general lack of apathy"

I guess sometimes you just really can't be asked...

Thorough through and through

Browsing through a homewares shop in Newtown the other day, I had a triple take at a sign about their delicate decor:

CUSTOMERS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO TOUCH THE FOLIAGE THOUGH'S WHO DO WILL BE SHOT IN THE BACK ROOM...

I didn't read the rest of the sign, was already laughing too hard. I didn't touch the foliage though.

very un-meaningful

It's my pleasure to write up a report on our clients' qualitative responses to our surveys. One standout I think I will use just to illustrate the amount of consideration put into the feedback we get:

I always had to buy my own drink and bring it with me to all meals because what was offered was very un-tasteful

Good to know what an international university education can offer...

Dastardly double-crossing

Gotta love a good meeting... here's something from one this afternoon:

"We'll double-cross that bridge when we get to it"

Something bound to confuse everyone, no matter how green the grass on whichever side of the fence you choose to jump over the bar of. But double-crossing a bridge makes me wonder why you would even bother in the first place.

No riff-raff

Guy at work's sister is eating something she would usually dislike, his parents ask,"why you eating that- you hate it!".
Reply is "I'm sophisticating" (subtext; obviously)


response from other guy at work; "What was she eating?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah , she might have been de-sophisticating. "

all the chefs laugh......

You idiot - shh, its a secret

Its been a while, but Jay and the Doctor were back at it on JJJ this morning. When talking to someone travelling up to Cairns and looking for some hitchhikers to share the driving in his 12-seater troop-mover, the Doctor asked of the vehicle...

"Are there any other idiosecrecies our listeners
should be made aware of?"

If there were, they weren't going to stay secrets for long being broadcast across the nation.

Disguise in the skies

A German friend of mine has been thanking God for sending her "blessings in the skies" for about 10 years now, only to discover recently that she should have been cursing "disguise" for her blessings instead.

Coupling... two words together

In an article in the SMH today about dating, one reader comments on what she referred to as:

"Causual sex"

Is this the name given to sex when an informal, causal relationship is established?

That hurts!

A post-Academy Awards comment from the SMH today:

"Any 'academy' that could nominate ANY of the 'Lord of the Rings' films for best editing deserves to be burnt to the ground, and have salt poured into the ruins".

Or, if it was easier, they could just have Lot's wife stand on top and look back.

One more time for the dummies

The Western Australian Government is proposing tougher anti-hoon laws to tackle road rage and allow police to take evidence from witnesses. Premier Alan Carpenter bemoans that currently, "people's lives are at threat on our roads" while hoons are left to speed and cut off other drivers.

But once is not enough. It's a formula that works! He then continues, asserting that, "people should not have to feel like their safety is at threat or their lives at risk..."

He can manage disyllabic words like 'people' and 'safety', so why not 'threatened'??

I can't explain it

How come "indescribable" is an adjective?

Alley Cats

So, my supervisor, Chad (thanks, Graham), and his fellow band member, DJ Armee were discussing the success of their band's new album. Apparently, FDEL's Audio Fdelity had real appeal.

"Yeah, it's really bowling people away"

Let's hope the hype doesn't blow over...

Clever Lever

From a NY Times article about young Yanks choosing to work abroad to gain experience:

"It's not a money-making move," she said. "It puts you in a position to leverage yourself."

Right off a cliff, perhaps?

Khartoum strip

My latest mission.

Hi all,
The car for this weekend is booked in Paula's name, to be collected on
Friday ...(email body) ...I have booked a sudan.
All for now,
(insert supervisor's name here)


I'll be steering Africa's largest country this weekend - put your seatbelts on!

A traffic sign?

The SMH today quotes the Chief Executive of Leighton Contractors, who are currently building (&/or rerouting) the Lane Cove Tunnel. His name?:

Wal King

Nothing particularly funny there, unless you remove the space between his names. A touch ironic for someone wor king (ba-boom!) in the transport infrastructure industry.

Position well and truly vacant

My admin assistant noticed the following from that bastion of news, current affairs and unbiased reporting - The Manly Daily - in the jobs section:

"Administartion Assistant

Required for local finical planning firm..."

The sooner they get someone who knows that "F7" is a shortcut for the spellchecker the better. In case you're wondering, finical is a real word, and means "effectively or excessively precise in an unimportant matter". What, like a job advert?

Clashing (s)words

Adam Spencer started on ABC 702 breakfast this morning, and in referring to a co-worker who had interviewed Peter Costello said:

"You and he have locked swords before haven't you?"

I wonder if they've clashed horns as well?

But of course the question on everyones' lips is will Adam bring back his signature in giving out the time once each morning with the hour wrong (i.e. saying its a quarter to eight when its really a quarter to seven) - did anyone else ever notice this on JJJ?

aah those commentators

I am expecting numerous precious gems via the commentators for the Winter Olympics as they struggle with their own excitement/boredom to say something... anything.

RE: The skeleton (downhill louge(?) on your stomach facing forwards)

"...it looks harder than it looks.."

so does commentating!

Synapses not quite connecting

In a meeting this morning when someone was asked about future plans they said:

"I wasn't thinking that far apart"

Obviously they weren't using ahead - either theirs, or anyone elses.

Triple mixed metaphor!

Julia was in such a hurry to get the words out that she mixed three metaphors in one sentence!

"... I just didn't want to rock the egg cart."

To give her some credit, she immediately recognised the mistake and suggested I blog it! Could this be a record? I might contact Guinness and find out.

Excessive adjective use - its just not cricket

Last night during the ABC's cricket coverage, Kerrie O'Keefe (is he a better commentator than he was a cricketer?) said:

"Sri Lanka may be chasing a total in excess of over 300 here."

Imagine if Australia had got closer to 400 - Sri Lanka may have been chasing a total in well excess of greater than past and more than over 300.

the regal interim, and a new cult?

The man responsible for security at the Sydney Olympic Games and the Paralympics declared

"in the inter-regium between the Olympic and the Paralympic games the redeclaration of the holy war by some terrorist groups caused some problems. But in the end Olympi-ism won the day."

Or maybe it was just securi-ism, a recent international trend that's catching on like a Bush fire.

It's all internal anyway

yeah, ebay again...

Looking for the perfect dress for that occasion that has co-insided with your pregnancy?

I'm not sure who is supposed to be wearing the dress, you or the baby, mabybe both of you simultaneously?

Well it's theoretically if not grammatically possible.

sparkles, bad spelling, sparkles, bad spelling...

Seriously, I don't mind a typo or two but Ebay makes me cringe sometimes which I suppose is the snobb(!) in me...

Beautiful Green sequence and lace top

and No clever dix, there wasn't a pattern of green shading, followed by lace, followed by green ...

Its basic, its practical

"Its basical"

Or so said our new (Dutch) MD at a meeting today.

Also, does anyone else find it ironic that the MD of a large company that depends on intellectual property rights, copyright and patent protection spoke about his $10 Chinese Rolex? I don't know if it was a basical Rolex though...

Not one of mine...

Sorry not mine, stolen from the SMH care of a more avid sports fan than I :

Commentator getting clever with metaphors described Ian Thorpe at the end of a race as "dismounting from the pool".

aah.. no actually.

sorry meester fawlty

Looking for a post-able pres for Brother Gaz:

Getting Handsome – A Makeover Manuel for Men

I really hope he won't like it.

who's the free-est of them all?

I have a kindred spirit out there! I mustn't be the only one to get funny looks from the Toby's Estate crew. From the adbusters email digest today:

does anybody else stumble, saying 'free' where they mean 'fair' trade?
As in, "we bought some free trade coffee last week.
Damn, I mean..."
I seem to do it ALL the time.
Fortunately no capitalists have been in the room to pick me up on it,yet.

If a tree falls in a forest and you've seen it happen, is it still a language funny?

An innovative innovation

In an email my boss received this morning, a service was described as being:

"...a new innovation..."

As opposed to a new, novel, modern, forward-stepping, imaginative, advanced, innovative innovation perhaps?

testing the wind

hiya all.

as a new invitee (courtesy of paula) allow me to present some humble offerings from a rather large report by a very hardworking colleague...

"UNDP and DMWG organized a bribing meeting on 3rd October to share the report, ongoing activities and mechanism for coordination of ongoing activities."

"...poverty irradiation through microfinance ..."

and in the annual review of emergency relief activities:
"... a joint assessment of draughts in two provinces..."

from a completely different source (a different continent in fact) I could also mention a recent joint effort by contributors to this very blog in the vicinity of some well-decanted wine. something about about how people in glass ceilings shouldn't throw stones?

Sick people are waiting

An email from our warehouse this morning, advising they were now right to start receiving goods again after getting a touch too full:

"You may now continuing with receipts. Thank you for
your patients in this matter."

Hmm, I thought that working for a pharma company we made the drugs, not the people who take them?

sieve for meaning

For those of you who fondly remember the 15th August, 2005 entry, you'll be glad to hear that the phrase featured is gaining momentum.

I was at the World Famous Queenscliff Boxing class last night and our favourite swinger (you choose how many senses of the word) came out with:

...for all intensive purposes...

I can assure you it was a very rigorous workout.

Apologies if you can't hold on

One of our IT technicians sent an email this morning regarding some necessary maintenance that was required to one of our servers. His closing sentence:

"All should be completed by 11:30 and we apologies (okay, a simple left-hand-before-right-hand typo) for any incontinence"

I'm guessing the server was the one responsible for live streaming?

An "oldie but goldie" ...

... from the CEO's personal assistant.

"Drinks will be from 4pm onwards on the balcony outside IT on level 1 (whether permitting)."

Drinks might depend on whether the CEO assesses the weather with her.

Not bald...

Weird show, I didn't stay long - called "Shopping for love", another 'reality' show which says it all.
However, part of the beginning is the potential suitors go through the contestant's house sans contestant in an aim to get to know them. The contestant watches on a DVD player with inane host/ess. Asked how she felt about 3 strange men wondering through her home and underwear drawer the 21 yr old single for 6 months contestant replied:

"... I mean he ran the fine comb through everything."

I didn't stay for further gems.

sew sexy

Settling down to read my new dessert cookbook, doing the right thing and reading the foreword to set the tone, i had a quiet chuckle over this from one of the giants in my field about some of the rising stars,

"And, as for their approch to technique, well I would call it a seamless mating of art and science."

Art and science copulating with no visible stitching, in the end it must mean better desserts for you and me.

One from the Sun Herald!

On Yesterday's back page:

"Sam Stosur flew the flag for Australia yesterday with a gusty performance..."

Too many beans for lunch I reckon.

New Year, New Theme

hope y'all like it...

Spring Beans

My mother commenting on my hyper-active 11 month old son:

"He's really like a jack in the bean-box"

Suicide is painless

"Top Gear", the irreverend BBC motoring show is now on SBS, and if you haven't seen it yet I highly recommend it. On last night's show two of the hosts spent 24 hours inside a new compact car. They overnighted in a haunted forest, and in talking about one of the ghosts said:

"The schoolmaster was found hanging from a tree by his pupils"