hit the nail over the head

The attrition rate close to Christmas is clearly detracting from the atmosphere in the office. According to 'Jacinta',

"It's dead as a doorknob in here"

If rigor mortis sets in, none of us will be able to use the exits to spend the season with family...

The very poster of totally mellow fiscal negligence, dude

I saw this one in the New York Times from someone commenting on a story:

"George W. Bush is the flower child of irresponsible, neglectful government."

It conjures up all kinds of mental images one doesn't normally associate with G.W.B. I like it so much I can't even think of any clever pun commentary to go with it.

Vanquishing Act

Looking for language funnies in sports commentary is like trying to find a needle in a ha[berdasher]y stack. Seeking them out in politically earnest emails comes in a close second (e.g. A Right Goose). In one received after the NSW State Govt shake up:

"...Our tenth such antagonist, Minister of Planning, Frank Sartor has bitten the dust. Other now-vanished foes have been:

• Andrew Refshauge, Minister of Urban Affairs and Planning
• Sue Holliday, Director General of the Department ... etc..."

Never challenge Merlin to a duel.

little finger percussion

Feeling a little daring and reckless, Let's-Call-Him-Simon declared that he was prepared to remind management yet again of a priority action item, and,

"I don't care if we get wrapped around our knuckles because of that one"

He'll be needing those bandages if it comes to a punch up.

flea-ridden dog paddle

In a meeting today there was some frustration expressed at the lack of clarity in roles and responsibilities as well as the need to function in the meantime (while said R&Rs are being defined). A certain unit in our branch is

"scratching our heads above water"

They're just itching to stay afloat, I guess.

up periscope

Driving down to a friend's farm a few weeks ago, he warned us about driving in the dark through the countryside with all the kangaroos around. As we neared the farm without a roo bar, we'd definitely need

"all eyes on deck"

The driver's hands were peeled ready to swerve at any moment.

speleologically speaking

There's someone even newer than me at work now and we were both congratulating ourselves on the view we now have from our desks. At her last job, Let's-Call-Her-Jacinta said she had no windows and,

"I just felt really caved in."

At least she's not giving cagey responses.

Fencing the dairy

I have a job in an infinitely larger office than my old one, which should feed this blog nicely. Oh, and it's open plan!

In post-mortem of a meeting held recently, Let's-Call-Her-Sue declared that certain members of the committee were

"taking advantage of the situation and milking it to the hilt."

talk about crying over split milk...

The editor's on fire!

And another from smh.com.au. Today the front page had the following headline:

"Sydney crematorium blaze"

Do they really think a normal trading day at the crem is newsworthy? I was almost expecting the byline to be:

" and hundreds dead"

No kidding. I wonder if any employees will be fired as a result?

Climbing the ladder

Also from smh.com.au, a link to an article in their careers section:

How to network your way to the top of the rung

:No doubt written by some genius who has worked out how to stay at the level you are - just on top of everyone else at the same level.

What a difference, a comma can make

Just saw this on the SMH website. It was the caption to a photo of the pilot who landed the Qantas jet minus it's oxygen tank:

Home safely ... Captain John Bartels, who landed the

stricken aircraft, outside his house yesterday.

Take out the second comma and it's an even more impressive feat.

A drink from a firehose

I'm reading Martin Amis' The Information at the moment, and I came across this passage. It deserves to be quoted in full.

"Demi's linguistic quirk is essentially and definingly female. It just is. Drawing in breath to denounce this proposition, women will often come out with something like 'Up you!' or 'Ballshit!' For I am referring to Demi's use of the conflated or mangled catchphrase - Demi's speech-bargains: she wanted two for the price of one. The result was expressive, and you usually knew what she meant, given the context. But here's the difficulty. In fictional prose the idiolect spells trouble because the novelist, trained to reveal character through action, duly contorts his narrative to provide cute walk-ons for the next spoonerism, malapropism, pleonasm. Better, in my view, just to make a list.

So Demi said 'vicious snowball' and 'quicksand wit' and 'up gum street'; she said 'worried stiff' and 'beyond contempt' (though not 'beneath belief'); she said 'on its death legs' and 'hubbub of activity' and 'what's with it with her?' and 'tell him no flat out'; she said 'none of my luck' and 'when it comes down to the crunch'; she said 'greaseboat' (as opposed, presumably, to 'dreamball'); she said 'he lost his top' and 'she blew her rag'; she said 'he coughed up' (he confessed) and 'she fluffed it' (she killed herself). Once, just once, she murmured, 'Sorry. I was talking aloud.' Demi also pronounced her rs as ws, but I don't think I'm even going to begin to attempt that."

Excellent, if you can forgive Amis' mistake gender stereotyping, as this blog has gone on to prove.

Ad libbing

I've been sitting on this one for a while, but discovered it as a draft text message in my phone the other day. Someone at work mentioned:

"I'm going to lose my plot!"

And as I'm due back at work in two weeks, I imagine the LFs will be flowering thick and fast once again.

Footrot Flats

A colleague, commenting on a contract that is about to go sour:

"We really don't want to be biting ourselves in the foot"

Wouldn't shoot the hand that feeds me neither.

Skipping Stones

I really like this one for its metaphoric efficiency. From a colleague:

"I choose Melbourne as my new Aussie home due to its cultural and sporting reputation, and endless festival and event offerings. Tasmania, just a hop scotch away, hosts an amazing plethora of national parks and outdoor activities to explore."

Throwing stones can be dangerous and skipping and jumping are so lame anyway.

Confessions of a Languagefunarian

While visiting a friend recently, I admitted that I was drifting a bit in my job and that I should really

"get my act into gear."

It apparently passed unnoticed, but I was left pondering the mechanics of that and its slightly funnier converse. Problem is, even with my butt cheeks firmly clenched, it still sounds fine to me!

You should never talk with your mouth full

My boss found this. I'm not sure if he was recommending the restaurant, or pointing out the LFs. I think it may have been the LFs. This is a verbatim quote from their website (http://www.taikijapaneserestaurant.com.au/introduction_en.html)

The Japanese taste in Lane Cove
Lane cove is such a wonderful little town close from North Sydney yet there are national parks near by. TAIKI restaurant was opened in summer 2000, in the lively street of lovable town. TAIKI means “big tree” in Japanese, which came from our thought of people gathering under one big tree to enjoy our Japanese food with family and friends.
Since then many Japanese clients and local Japanese food funs supported us to grow bountiful tree by enjoying our sushi at a special counter table while exchanging friendly conversation with chefs, exploring genuine Japanese flavour with the freshness of the ingredients, and amusing the marriage of wine and Japanese food. We are looking forward to welcoming you here in Lane Cove.

Japanese Seafood Restaurant
TAIKI
96 Longueville Road

Maybe he did that too?

Just saw this on youtube - a video of a preacher talking about Lot setting up camp at Soddom & Gommorrah, where Lot:

"pinched his tits... I mean pitched his tents - and you heard nothing else"

Is there a vet in the house?

In my open plan office it is almost impossible not to eavesdrop - especially when people are animated . My colleague was on the phone complaining loudly about how slow a supplier was in furnishing us with some crucial information when he lamented:

It's like pulling hen's teeth!

I think you can sense his frustration.

Language witties

Came across this in the line of duty and thought you'd all be the perfect audience. Check out http://wallydownundy.com/2008/02/01/witty-wonderful-way-with-words/ for the Washington Post's language awards for new and revised words and their meanings.

To whet your appetite:
From the change or insert one letter category - 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
From the revised meaning category: 6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

I'm sure I've licked this before

Not willing to choose just one flavour of ice-cream, and not yet able to get her mouth around 'Neapolitan' my niece negotiated for that kind that's

"Chocolate, strawberry and familiar ice-cream"

Talk about comfort eating...

Fangs for the memories

At the BIL's wedding on the weekend, one of his good friends got up to give a speech and opened with:

Well you know, you have all these speeches and antidotes..."

Other than that the whole thing was delivered without any poisoned barbs or biting sarcasm.

Switzerland

One obviously diplomatic colleague was recently described as having a foot in both pies. Just make a decision so we can all eat! On second thoughts....

Dotting What??

In a recent meeting with an executive team, one member was on the back foot after not quite delivering what they needed to.

After some quick talking, the person was summing up with the CEO who was beginning to nod in agreement.

The sentence ended with the assurance that 'we'll get this right, send the letters, dot our T's and cross our I's'

The CEO kept nodding but somehow it was not in agreement anymore...

What are in the ear

More an audible funny than a LF, but funny all the same. This was overheard at the water cooler this morning:

Person 1:"I pulled a muscle in my back this morning drying my hair" (both hands above head shaking, showing how said muscle was pulled)

Person 2: "What on earth where you doing with your hands up there?!?! Shouldn't they have been on the wheel?"

Person 1: "What wheel?"

Person 2: (after a small, contemplative pause) "Oh. You mean 'Drying your hair' - not 'driving here'"