tough day at the office

On a particularly busy night in the restaurant kitchen, things have started bad, gone to worse, then gone downhill and finally over the edge into chaos.
The head chef crystallizes the atmosphere of his anger and frustration as he shouts at everyone

" you guys don't know fuck about shit!!!"

somewhere deep below the concentration , adrenaline and fear, people remind themselves to laugh at that when its all over.

Blue Blooper

From today's SMH TV guide mag: A brief history of factual TV where shows like Beyond 2000, RPA and Good Medicine were mentioned. This was not a tongue-in-cheek article, no wordplay intended - just the summaries.

Sex (1992-93)
Sophie lee turned factual to frisky when Nine took an up-close and personal look at the social, medical and psychological aspects of our sex lives. No holes were barred and this excellent series was alternately praised and criticised for its frank imagery.

Its legacy lives on...

Exceptional work

Checking my emails this morning I came across two from one of my reps. In the first she asked...

"...if it would be possible to pay this from your pop of money?"

In the other, she was discussing someone who had submitted a scientific paper to a journal and she will...

"...letus know if the journal excepts it."

Ough dare. Lukes like hair spal chequer dusn't werk.

A stink of a problem!

One of our managers was asked to review the reason we were finding air bubbles in some of our silicone parts. The real root cause was because air inside the silicone expanded during the curing process. On the report she wrote:


"Root Cause: Release of gas during silicone curing."


Corrective action: no more beans for our operators!

funny peculiar

I don't even know if this is funny, because I have no idea what it means... I've never heard this expression before and can't find it when googling away. Perhaps the latest thing is not to mix metaphors, but create your own.

This was in an email regarding the fact that our head office contacts the home university of any student who fails 2 or more classes in a semester in Australia. From my counterpart about to make this phonecall, she checks a detail with me because:

I like to be prepared, especially when I'm calling the Citadel
and have to speak to a Colonial!

If anyone has any clue, bail me out!

Thanks, but no thanks.

Julia had recently given some tuition to a girl doing linguistics at Uni. Well, the girl passed with flying colours and left a message on our phone to thank Jules for her help:


"Just wanted you to know ... (blah blah blah) ... passed with 74% ... (blah blah blah) ...
I couldn't have done it with you ... (blah blah blah)"


Charming!

does anyone else find this weird?

"see in-store"

come and see-enquire?
what's in store?
once I'm in there does it all become obvious?
am I currently out-store?

Don't we have shops anymore?

Would you bid for one?

I was looking to inform myself about the history of the current crisis in the middle east, so I put the following string into a search engine: "history of the middle east crisis". This was the third option I was given.


" 3. Looking for Middle East Crisis?
Low prices, wide selection. Find exactly what you want today.
Sponsored by: www.ebay.com "


Mine's in the post - quite literally!

Go into bat

The Dazzler and I had a substitute yoga teacher this week. In a suitably skin-crawly, breathy voice, she announced that:

"we're going to get into meditation straight from the word bat"

This phrase then became my mantra for the duration of the class... She stayed breathy but endeared herself further during the class, you'll be glad to hear.

Singaporeans have had enough! To eat!

Headline in a Singaporean newspaper (reprinted in The Guardian): "S'poreans are fed, up with progress!"

Machine which goes "ping"

On the way up to the maternity ward I notice beneath the emergency stop button in the Mater hospital lift,

"unauthorised use of this button effects the working of this elevator"

at least they have a constant supply of people 'qualified' to make the lift work for the staff.

Imminently expecting mother "...but what do I do?"

John Cleese as doctor "Nothing dear - you're not qualified."

Sort it out

I've just been reading a new scientific paper on one of my drugs, which concludes with the sentence:

"The elegant simplicity of targetting biologic therapies will help sort the whey from the chaff..."

Milking it for all its worth? They though they curd right whatever they wanted? Wheat will they come up with next?

Immaculate misconception

I spotted this in a brochure (a friend's brochure) advertising an information evening for expecting dads. One of the exciting events listed for the night was the opportunity to:

"Talk to a dad who delivered his own baby"

A night probably well worth the $50 entry fee.

a good sought

From the Art Gallery of NSW weekly email listing Akmal Saleh as guest speaker this Wednesday (as if that wasn't unlikely enough):

After only a few years, Akmal became one of the most sort after acts, touring with International Comedians such as Steven Wright, Ben Elton and the Amazing Jonathan.

Talk about being pigeon-holed.

House rules apply

Our admin assistants have a monthly meeting, and the MD's new admin assistant has decided she will now be responsible for running them. From her email announcing this:

"I have explained that any meeting that I Chair will be coordinated in a co-herant and organised manor"

I know we're short on meeting rooms around here, but have they really had to go offsite to a stately home? Anyone know what a herant is or what happens when you put something alongside one of them?

is it a language funny or a pile of...

Not sure it really qualifies here, but given some of Gdav's I figure why not.
Maybe you all read it, but I'm surprised by those who haven't heard it yet (obviously they read some OTHER newspaper)

Our friends Brad and Ange (just to clarify - not the cult leaders, but the celebrities) have named their baby Shiloh Pitt.

Swap P, and Sh.go on.

and my Mother in Law thinks she has a right to complain about baby names to me!?!!
phwaah (sound of dismissal).

Last call

I was sitting in Sydney Airport patiently waiting to board my plane when an announcement along the lines of
"This is the last call for Qantas flight xx. Would Mr Zhu Ming please make your way to gate 33 immediately. "
boomed over the loud speakers. As this was repeated in various ways over about a 20 minute period, it became quite plain that this poor man was having an identity crisis and he was not zooming at all!!

A dish best served...

I heard this one on ABC 702 this afternoon... A woman had lunch at her mother-in-law's, and after the main course the mother got up from the table and announced she was:

"Serving a Vendetta (Vienetta) for desert"

And now for a few words (or not) from our Patron:

Not some of his better (or worse) moments, but worth a look all the same:

Click here to view

urnotserious

I heard this story today about a doctor who visited the brother of a patient who had just died from prostate cancer. When the doctor arrived, the brother invited him in by saying:

"Please, come on in - we're just writing the urology for the funeral"

Makes me wonder if the doctor was a Eulogist, or if he wet himself laughing.