Immaculate misconception

I spotted this in a brochure (a friend's brochure) advertising an information evening for expecting dads. One of the exciting events listed for the night was the opportunity to:

"Talk to a dad who delivered his own baby"

A night probably well worth the $50 entry fee.

a good sought

From the Art Gallery of NSW weekly email listing Akmal Saleh as guest speaker this Wednesday (as if that wasn't unlikely enough):

After only a few years, Akmal became one of the most sort after acts, touring with International Comedians such as Steven Wright, Ben Elton and the Amazing Jonathan.

Talk about being pigeon-holed.

House rules apply

Our admin assistants have a monthly meeting, and the MD's new admin assistant has decided she will now be responsible for running them. From her email announcing this:

"I have explained that any meeting that I Chair will be coordinated in a co-herant and organised manor"

I know we're short on meeting rooms around here, but have they really had to go offsite to a stately home? Anyone know what a herant is or what happens when you put something alongside one of them?

is it a language funny or a pile of...

Not sure it really qualifies here, but given some of Gdav's I figure why not.
Maybe you all read it, but I'm surprised by those who haven't heard it yet (obviously they read some OTHER newspaper)

Our friends Brad and Ange (just to clarify - not the cult leaders, but the celebrities) have named their baby Shiloh Pitt.

Swap P, and Sh.go on.

and my Mother in Law thinks she has a right to complain about baby names to me!?!!
phwaah (sound of dismissal).

Last call

I was sitting in Sydney Airport patiently waiting to board my plane when an announcement along the lines of
"This is the last call for Qantas flight xx. Would Mr Zhu Ming please make your way to gate 33 immediately. "
boomed over the loud speakers. As this was repeated in various ways over about a 20 minute period, it became quite plain that this poor man was having an identity crisis and he was not zooming at all!!

A dish best served...

I heard this one on ABC 702 this afternoon... A woman had lunch at her mother-in-law's, and after the main course the mother got up from the table and announced she was:

"Serving a Vendetta (Vienetta) for desert"

And now for a few words (or not) from our Patron:

Not some of his better (or worse) moments, but worth a look all the same:

Click here to view

urnotserious

I heard this story today about a doctor who visited the brother of a patient who had just died from prostate cancer. When the doctor arrived, the brother invited him in by saying:

"Please, come on in - we're just writing the urology for the funeral"

Makes me wonder if the doctor was a Eulogist, or if he wet himself laughing.

Fergoodnesssake

Spotted on the way to work this morning - a ute belonging to an airconditioning and electrical service company. The company name/logo emblazoned on the side of said ute looked something like the following:

"Ferconel"

Making a change - but not one the spellchecker suggested

We are about to launch a new insulin called "Lantus", and job adverts for various new positions are flooding the companys' inbox's. The latest begins:

"Lantus changes patient lives"

I'm not sure if this means you need to suffer from diabetes and multiple personality disorder, or if the fact that you've waited for four years for the government to out it on the PBS means it will work for you.

It all fell apart at the end

At the end of a colleague's performance review, which had generally been very positive, her managed summed up by saying:

"This year has really fallen in to pieces for you hasn't it?"

Only when it comes to mixed metaphors.

Wishful thinking?

A friend I used to work with is shaving his head for the World's Greatest Shave in aid of Leukaemia. This was part of his email requesting sponsorship.


"This is also an excuse for me to look into the future and see what I will look like in five years when the rest of my already reseeding hair falls out."


It was one of those examples where the world would be poorer had Microsoft developed the sense checker instead of the spell checker.

For the love of...

Dunno what caused this one - was the spellchecker not quite forthright enough? Or maybe she just had a listhp and was using voice recognition software (V.4). Or then perhaps she just didn't hit the "U" key with enough force. There could even be a fourth reason, however the email began:

"The forth of the NSW Alliance on-line talks will..."

Which reminds me - only 3 more sleeps until International Star Wars Day on... May the Fourth.

Major boredom

From a teleconference this time. One participant spoke of:

"A general lack of apathy"

I guess sometimes you just really can't be asked...

Thorough through and through

Browsing through a homewares shop in Newtown the other day, I had a triple take at a sign about their delicate decor:

CUSTOMERS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO TOUCH THE FOLIAGE THOUGH'S WHO DO WILL BE SHOT IN THE BACK ROOM...

I didn't read the rest of the sign, was already laughing too hard. I didn't touch the foliage though.

very un-meaningful

It's my pleasure to write up a report on our clients' qualitative responses to our surveys. One standout I think I will use just to illustrate the amount of consideration put into the feedback we get:

I always had to buy my own drink and bring it with me to all meals because what was offered was very un-tasteful

Good to know what an international university education can offer...

Dastardly double-crossing

Gotta love a good meeting... here's something from one this afternoon:

"We'll double-cross that bridge when we get to it"

Something bound to confuse everyone, no matter how green the grass on whichever side of the fence you choose to jump over the bar of. But double-crossing a bridge makes me wonder why you would even bother in the first place.

No riff-raff

Guy at work's sister is eating something she would usually dislike, his parents ask,"why you eating that- you hate it!".
Reply is "I'm sophisticating" (subtext; obviously)


response from other guy at work; "What was she eating?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah , she might have been de-sophisticating. "

all the chefs laugh......

You idiot - shh, its a secret

Its been a while, but Jay and the Doctor were back at it on JJJ this morning. When talking to someone travelling up to Cairns and looking for some hitchhikers to share the driving in his 12-seater troop-mover, the Doctor asked of the vehicle...

"Are there any other idiosecrecies our listeners
should be made aware of?"

If there were, they weren't going to stay secrets for long being broadcast across the nation.

Disguise in the skies

A German friend of mine has been thanking God for sending her "blessings in the skies" for about 10 years now, only to discover recently that she should have been cursing "disguise" for her blessings instead.