Two heads are better than one

'er indoors & I have just spent a week in Tasmania. We overnighted in a town called Oatlands at a B&B run by two semi-retired gay folk from Brisbane. Now this in itself was a funny story, but not a language funny.

Deciding where to dine that night wasn't a hard choice. We could go to the RSL, if it hadn't been a Sunday (their night off) or the other pub (the fancy one, which had table cloths!), so we ended up at the other pub (which proved to be marginally better than going hungry).

Now these Tasmanian country folk had put their heads together and come up with some a little brochure detailing all the pub had to offer on the back of the menu. Given the wide range of menu options, there was plenty of room left over to do so. So what did the pub have to offer?

Accomdation (sorry - no 5 syllable words allowed)

Fuction room (hate to imagine what went on in there)

Sky Chanell (showing French movies, perhaps?)

The elusive compass

In an email from on high meaning more work for me:

Perhaps you and she may establish a procedure for this ... a task that has alluded us to this point

I feel led to water, but I'm still not thirsty.

The power of the mind

From an email sent by our QC Inspector.

"As you know we use the dial for adjusting the cleanroom pressure. It always falls down and makes the reading higher. I have already asked Irene to put it back to the right place several times. It looks to be temporally stuck there. I thought we need to improve the method to adjust the pressure. Do you have any good idea?"

Here's my good idea: Sub-contract a hypnotist to temporally unstick it.

A lore unto himself

From an email volley regarding current events:

The guy I refer to 'IS' Cronulla. He is the guy who has folk law writing about him.

Perhaps he's referring to the unwritten code of behaviour in the Shire. Surfers write it, vigilantes enforce it?

I think Morris Iemma wishes he could get some folk to do some law writing, too.

those crazy summer nights...

A colleague at work is doing a community survey in which people make written submissions in response to questions. This was our fave:

"Food cafes and takeways should be open till late as many people don't want to go to pubs and restaurants - to be able to buy some takeways and sit on the beach on the barmy summer nights is fabulous."

You just never know what nutty things will happen in Manly on a nice summer night while you're sitting there on the beach with a takeway, do you?!

very freudian

One of my clients is THE most computer technological inept person I've ever come across, so I respect the fact that he has run a business by himself for the last year.
However, occaisionally I get impatient - I know it's hard to imagine...;) and I was trying to be diplomatic about some instructions I had written which he had queried:

"That just says (blah blah blah) to me" said he.

"No, that's cool, it's best to aim to the lowest common dumbinator" mispronouces I.

He didn't notice, but that was a freudian slip if I ever I wore a nightgown..

The best-ing-er-est-able weekend ever

In an email received this morning:

"What did you get up to? It was too gooder weekend to spend at home..."

Does that mean if you had en enjoyable weekend you were a do-gooder?

Keeping a close eye on VSU

Barnaby Joyce was on the radio this morning (yes I know, hard to believe innit?) discussing the Voluntary Student Union Bill which is due to debated in the Senate this week. In between making multiple references to "requiring facilities so that students become functioning members of society" (?!?!), when questioned about changes to the legislation he said:

"...there has not been one nanocentimetre of movement on the Government's behalf..."

Ah if you paid as much attention to correct units of measurement as you are to the Government's actions you would know that there nanocentimetre is actually 10 picometres (10exp-12 from memory). But a point well made - looks like some of those fees could be well spent on conversion charts for the decibel system.

genus at work

Posted on a staff noticeboard advertising tickets to our nightclub's NYE event

"with headlining acts ......(UK),....(UK),....(AUS),....(live PA) and percussionists plus a genre of local DJ's"

should be a class act, or something of that sort....

If you truly love something...

From a description of a device that stores info from your mobile sim card:

You loose your phone, you loose your life. If you don’t have your numbers, how do you call people? Who owns a phone book these days? That’s exactly what your phone’s for.

Feeling tense? Throw your mobile away!

Mistaken National Indentity

I was watching the Gymnastics the other night as well and the Australian girl was about to perform on "The Floor". She was in with the chance of a medal and the commentator in his excitement and haste announced that she was from Austria!!!

I have heard this happen before but never from an Australian. I was shocked!

No mirrors in the gym, please

Watching the Gymnastics World Championships in Melbourne, my lovely life noticed that one of the gymnasts was named "Anastasia Lukin". Harmless, right? Well, it appears that a Russian shortening for Anastacia, one that the commentator had a penchant for, is "Nastya".

Poor old Nastya Lukin. "Nastya Lukin" than who, I wonder?

Up for a duck

On the radio today the treasurer Peter Costello was discussing the pros and cons of short term seasonal work in Australia such as fruit picking. The question was whether one should import seasonal labour from overseas, or keep those jobs for Australians. Using a timeless Aussie metaphor, the radio interviewer suggested that it would be difficult to ask Australians to "pull up stumps" and move to the country for such short term work.

A feature of all propaganda is the ability to bewilder an unsuspecting radio audience with the invention of a new verb. The treasurer's response was:

"Do you really think that it is easier to up-stump people from overseas, rather than to up-stump Australians for those jobs?!?"

Just what English needed. A verb for "semi-voluntary short-term relocation".

Runaround Jury

I love attending conferences.

So here we are discussing new and innovative ways to reduce the amount of data entry done in the office by getting students to do it directly into an online database. (Wish you were there?)
Anyway, it can be a confusing business for those switching over to a new system and changes are bound to happen as a result of some testing,

"but it's really a case of trial by error."

Another argument against the death penalty, perhaps?

Still a contender - if you can be read

Meetings - where would we be without them? At one this morning attended by a colleague of mine, she gave up counting the number of times the following phrase or ones like it were used:

"They can still be illegible to enter if..."

I guess it depends on whether you can read their application form or not.

which side?

At my daughter's first dance recital(?)/concert thingy (yes she was fabulous and gorgeous and of course stole the show, well sang the loudest!) the dance teacher was giving awards and speeches and thanked Simo profusely for being her "left hand man".

Does that mean she's his right hand woman?
Or that she's left handed?

All language funnies members present agreed it just wasn't quite right... thoughts anyone?

Facing up to terrorism

Last night on Lateline, a National politician whose name I didn't catch was discussing Labour's view of the new terrorism legislation in light of the arrests made yesterday. I quote:

"Labor have egg all over their face from head to toe"

Unlike whoever he was, who after saying something like this hasn't?

Cleaning: a fun way to get around or just depressing?

Noted today in a sign on the wall at the office, detailing the cleaner's obligations was the following bullet point:

"Hard floors to be swept and reception area moped daily"

Funny, I've never seen him bring his scooter in, but he does walk around looking a touch depressed.

Never say goodbye

On an indigenous harbour cruise last Monday (yes, it was work), our commentator gave an ample preamble and then,

Without further adieu, let's get on with it.

An oldie but a goodie.

new summer fashion: the upholstered look

In a uni 'what's on' email:

The 2005 Annual Charteris Lecture, USYDJustice Michael Kirby, The High Court of Australia 'The Universal Declaration on Bioethics and Human Rights'6.00pm pre-dinner drinks, 6.30pm for 3 course meal and wine, Dress: Lounge Suite/Day Dress

It can get awfully tiresome standing about for a large dinner and talk.