Climbing the ladder

Also from smh.com.au, a link to an article in their careers section:

How to network your way to the top of the rung

:No doubt written by some genius who has worked out how to stay at the level you are - just on top of everyone else at the same level.

What a difference, a comma can make

Just saw this on the SMH website. It was the caption to a photo of the pilot who landed the Qantas jet minus it's oxygen tank:

Home safely ... Captain John Bartels, who landed the

stricken aircraft, outside his house yesterday.

Take out the second comma and it's an even more impressive feat.

A drink from a firehose

I'm reading Martin Amis' The Information at the moment, and I came across this passage. It deserves to be quoted in full.

"Demi's linguistic quirk is essentially and definingly female. It just is. Drawing in breath to denounce this proposition, women will often come out with something like 'Up you!' or 'Ballshit!' For I am referring to Demi's use of the conflated or mangled catchphrase - Demi's speech-bargains: she wanted two for the price of one. The result was expressive, and you usually knew what she meant, given the context. But here's the difficulty. In fictional prose the idiolect spells trouble because the novelist, trained to reveal character through action, duly contorts his narrative to provide cute walk-ons for the next spoonerism, malapropism, pleonasm. Better, in my view, just to make a list.

So Demi said 'vicious snowball' and 'quicksand wit' and 'up gum street'; she said 'worried stiff' and 'beyond contempt' (though not 'beneath belief'); she said 'on its death legs' and 'hubbub of activity' and 'what's with it with her?' and 'tell him no flat out'; she said 'none of my luck' and 'when it comes down to the crunch'; she said 'greaseboat' (as opposed, presumably, to 'dreamball'); she said 'he lost his top' and 'she blew her rag'; she said 'he coughed up' (he confessed) and 'she fluffed it' (she killed herself). Once, just once, she murmured, 'Sorry. I was talking aloud.' Demi also pronounced her rs as ws, but I don't think I'm even going to begin to attempt that."

Excellent, if you can forgive Amis' mistake gender stereotyping, as this blog has gone on to prove.

Ad libbing

I've been sitting on this one for a while, but discovered it as a draft text message in my phone the other day. Someone at work mentioned:

"I'm going to lose my plot!"

And as I'm due back at work in two weeks, I imagine the LFs will be flowering thick and fast once again.

Footrot Flats

A colleague, commenting on a contract that is about to go sour:

"We really don't want to be biting ourselves in the foot"

Wouldn't shoot the hand that feeds me neither.

Skipping Stones

I really like this one for its metaphoric efficiency. From a colleague:

"I choose Melbourne as my new Aussie home due to its cultural and sporting reputation, and endless festival and event offerings. Tasmania, just a hop scotch away, hosts an amazing plethora of national parks and outdoor activities to explore."

Throwing stones can be dangerous and skipping and jumping are so lame anyway.

Confessions of a Languagefunarian

While visiting a friend recently, I admitted that I was drifting a bit in my job and that I should really

"get my act into gear."

It apparently passed unnoticed, but I was left pondering the mechanics of that and its slightly funnier converse. Problem is, even with my butt cheeks firmly clenched, it still sounds fine to me!

You should never talk with your mouth full

My boss found this. I'm not sure if he was recommending the restaurant, or pointing out the LFs. I think it may have been the LFs. This is a verbatim quote from their website (http://www.taikijapaneserestaurant.com.au/introduction_en.html)

The Japanese taste in Lane Cove
Lane cove is such a wonderful little town close from North Sydney yet there are national parks near by. TAIKI restaurant was opened in summer 2000, in the lively street of lovable town. TAIKI means “big tree” in Japanese, which came from our thought of people gathering under one big tree to enjoy our Japanese food with family and friends.
Since then many Japanese clients and local Japanese food funs supported us to grow bountiful tree by enjoying our sushi at a special counter table while exchanging friendly conversation with chefs, exploring genuine Japanese flavour with the freshness of the ingredients, and amusing the marriage of wine and Japanese food. We are looking forward to welcoming you here in Lane Cove.

Japanese Seafood Restaurant
TAIKI
96 Longueville Road

Maybe he did that too?

Just saw this on youtube - a video of a preacher talking about Lot setting up camp at Soddom & Gommorrah, where Lot:

"pinched his tits... I mean pitched his tents - and you heard nothing else"

Is there a vet in the house?

In my open plan office it is almost impossible not to eavesdrop - especially when people are animated . My colleague was on the phone complaining loudly about how slow a supplier was in furnishing us with some crucial information when he lamented:

It's like pulling hen's teeth!

I think you can sense his frustration.

Language witties

Came across this in the line of duty and thought you'd all be the perfect audience. Check out http://wallydownundy.com/2008/02/01/witty-wonderful-way-with-words/ for the Washington Post's language awards for new and revised words and their meanings.

To whet your appetite:
From the change or insert one letter category - 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
From the revised meaning category: 6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

I'm sure I've licked this before

Not willing to choose just one flavour of ice-cream, and not yet able to get her mouth around 'Neapolitan' my niece negotiated for that kind that's

"Chocolate, strawberry and familiar ice-cream"

Talk about comfort eating...

Fangs for the memories

At the BIL's wedding on the weekend, one of his good friends got up to give a speech and opened with:

Well you know, you have all these speeches and antidotes..."

Other than that the whole thing was delivered without any poisoned barbs or biting sarcasm.

Switzerland

One obviously diplomatic colleague was recently described as having a foot in both pies. Just make a decision so we can all eat! On second thoughts....

Dotting What??

In a recent meeting with an executive team, one member was on the back foot after not quite delivering what they needed to.

After some quick talking, the person was summing up with the CEO who was beginning to nod in agreement.

The sentence ended with the assurance that 'we'll get this right, send the letters, dot our T's and cross our I's'

The CEO kept nodding but somehow it was not in agreement anymore...

What are in the ear

More an audible funny than a LF, but funny all the same. This was overheard at the water cooler this morning:

Person 1:"I pulled a muscle in my back this morning drying my hair" (both hands above head shaking, showing how said muscle was pulled)

Person 2: "What on earth where you doing with your hands up there?!?! Shouldn't they have been on the wheel?"

Person 1: "What wheel?"

Person 2: (after a small, contemplative pause) "Oh. You mean 'Drying your hair' - not 'driving here'"

Non sequitur

After making a fairly weak argument as to why it should be Carolyn, not me, to do the final Christmas decorations, I realised just how weak my argument was. Dripping with sarcasm (and water from the shower), I heard myself saying:

"Now that is a water-clad argument, isn't it?"

Imagine. Next it will be iron-tight...

language weirdy

a language funny or just a language weirdy, or bad editing...on an ISP newsletter
"we sincerely take this opportunity to thank..."

Surely it's not legal!

This was a 'send to all' email sent out by our IT dept. Some subtle punctuation errors thrown in to test your deciphering skills, but the cherry on the icing comes at the end.

Hi, All:

We have a mix of 17/19 inch CRT monitors to give away, mostly working (you can test your pick at IT)

First come first served, IT will dispose the remainder on Monday.

Marry Xmas :)

Cooking up a word nasi gor-what?

Over dinner the other night, a certain shall-remain-nameless mother-in-law hoped something would happen:

"...before we all go stir-fry crazy..."

And in case you're wondering, dinner was roast chicken.

To the manners born

Not your classic LF, but still F all the same. Pinched from the back of the Metro where the eavesdropping tidbits are printed:

Woman to her child on the train from Wentworth Falls: "You've got manners, use the bastards."

I've been smiling to myself about it all afternoon...

Sae it lyke u meen it

Debating the minutae of a proposal in the back of the car on the way to a meeting, one of my colleagues surmised:

"I think we're talking phonetics here"

Yep, it's all in the way you say it, not spell it.

Seeking sorters

In the window of a real estate office:

"Great house in the most sorted street in the neighbourhood"

Everyone wants an organised neighbour.

A short time?

My colleague on the phone this morning said to someone:

"I hear you'll be looking after this in the mean term?"

Well I guess we're in the fourth term now - the one full of exams - so technically he was correct.

holy guano batman!

Inspired to record more of the comedic apprehension of our subtle language culture following the bi-inaugural LF awards , I actually wrote down one of the many that pass me by at work.

I tend to think of most of these as Cumberland Newspapers aspiring to Daily Telegraph aspirations of The Economist. Sometimes enlightening, mostly, well.........

So anyway,

"I left it on the shelf for you! You're as blind as batshit! And batshit's pretty blind!"

Splitting words

No sooner had the LF bloggers inaugrial awards night concluded, than another beauty was dropped in the first meeting of the new working week:

"... you can do it whichever way you want to, but at this stage you're just mincing hairs over it."

Mmm, mmm. Minced hair. I always wondered how they made that pasta from angels.

Dirty little brats

Hi all, I'm back again after many months of computer illiteracy.

I overheard this gem while passing a colleague on the way to lunch the other day:

"We used to run a bit of a muck as kids..."

His poor mother.

Going through the pain - again

Nothing more than a simple typo, but today in a meeting (the corporate breeding ground for LFs) a visitor described our medications that fix headaches etc as:

Analgesics (pain relivers)

No wonder sales are so good... Those nasty headaches that keep on coming back.

Say what (again)?

A colleague reports on an old Headmaster who used to frequently proclaim the following during assemblies:

"I will NOT repeat myself, I will NOT repeat myself"

No, I guess not, I guess not.

aah those school girl days...

So it seems that it's NOT little girls that are nasty to each other...

For sale is one "Divisive Lunch Box - Plastic container"

Those babelfish translations create a gringlish all of their own.
Yes yes, I know what they MEANT...

If you don't write "it", I won't hear "it"

"It" is only a small mistake, but when these two letters are left out of a word, it may completely change the intended meaning as was the case in this draft SOP:

"It is the responsibility of individual companies to develop methodologies
for data reporting that are consistent over time, accurate and audable"

A symptom of making cuts to your IT department?

A Powerful Thought

I was talking to a colleague and asked him if I should bother to turn off a certain machine over the weekend. He replied

"I think you should, incase we have a power outrage"

I politely turned away and chuckled to myself.

A job that is very exciting...

This was written in a comment on one of the blogs I read...

"[why does Oprah]...get to interfere with other people's lively-hoods. "

Does it conjure up funny images of urban black americans wearing hoodies in bright colours and telling Oprah where to go - or is that just me? after 2 glasses vino..

We interrupt this amputation to bring you...

I overheard a colleague at work talking to a customer on the phone the other day. After a period of listening to him carry on she interrupted with:

" - sorry to cut you in half there, but..."

Well I guess you could mistake "sorry to cut you off" as being hung up on.

Rock-solid advice

A colleague recently visited someone who had broken their ankle, who said their doctor had advised they:

"Would need to be sedimentary until it healed"

No more taking their health for granite.

trousers for genes day

Apologies to a certain family member for this, but I couldn't resist. I even tried for a day. In this certain family member's defence, it was a cut-and-paste job, so apparently the blame/praise lies with someone I apparently wouldn't be able to keep a straight face near.

In an invitation to a soiree at an uber (yet underground) cool bar included the following dress code:

Denim Trousers are acceptable with collard shirt and dress shoes

Apart from the obvious opener (what a gem!), I still have a mental picture of a gorgeous blouse made of kale and cabbage run up by my tailor just for the night.

Cornish aperitif

From The Manly Daily - every edition thrust into my letterbox whether I like it or not.
"When actor Victor Kline headed overseas to research a play he had an ulterior motive. [as if the opening line isn't atrocious enough... couldn't spare a comma?] After spending time in Dubai and Casablanca, Victor headed to Paris for more research and to propose to his girlfriend, x, on the Eiffel Tower. [some truly awful details edited out - in short, she said yes] ...

They celebrated with a couple of pastis near the Pont Alma Marceau."

I'm sparing you the rest. A lazy-arse journo/sub couldn't be bothered to find out what pastis is, let alone how to hook it up to the requisite grammar. For those of you who have worked out how hard it is to develop a taste for an aniseed liqueur mass noun that needs watering down to a cloudy colour - you KNOW you never have a couple of it.

Celebration - second attempt

Honestly, what does it take to get a bunch of bloggers to get of their blog-chairs and get to a blog-party?! You can lead a horse to rolling water, but it just won't gather moss.

So, I've set up an email RSVP link in the right-hand column. if you'd like to indicate your interest in celebrating our 2.5 year anniversary, then click that link and send me an email. The proof is in the pudding.

Neil D.

Change your position

Nothing more than a simple typo, but upon perusing one of our wholesalers' staff contact details one staff member had their their position described as the:

"Invertory Controller"

I'm guessing his job is to run around turning everything upside down?

drama school

The health department has just conducted a surprise inspection, made it half way through the building and, as we have been advised via internal email, will be returning in the unspecified near future to continue their good and necessary work.

response from general manager of hospitality is,

Is there anything we need to action proactively before they return?

I have been stumped trying to apply any amount of wit to highlight this - it all seems so pale in comparison.

perhaps they will return retrospectively?

NEWTOWN CELEBRATION BUMP

as my life is continually collapsing like a lung (unlike the administrator's life collapse which was more serious) so I only just read the celebration re. language funnies 2nd birthday.
And no-one else replied, so either you all suck (except polly who did reply and the administrator) OR you all snuck out and celebrated without me. SO I propose that we get serious re. celebrating (WITH me) and it should involve newtown and a cake of some description, or just really good vietnamese food I suppose...

opening a can of worms...

fans of johnnie darko will appreciate this...(SIC)
during convo with lovely, patient husband (or dh for those who participate on parenting sites etc. means dear husband which isn't important right now)
".. you know and then they would have a ... a mine field... no, what's the opposite to a minefield?"
"A mineless field?" said patient smartalec.
"No no, you know ripe with potential.."
"Well technically, a minefield is ripe with potential Nic." replies smartalec who is getting smarter with every witty repartee.
"NO, a .. a FIELD DAY!" yeah, they would have a field day in Melbourne."

Both dumbnic and smartalec fall about laughing, aah the fun we have in our kitchen before Nic has taken her medication and her coffee.

sorry - what??

"Mummy, how do you say tree in danguage?" (rhymes with language)
"in what?"
"in danguage"
"I don't know what you are talking about"
"HOW DO YOU SAY TREE IN DANGUAGE" (yes, that loud)
"I heard you, I just don't know what you are talking about"

Turns out that "danguage" is Giorgian for "Danish", I love the fact that my child thinks I can speak 7 or 9 languages...

Not the brightest spark

I was running a workshop for our sales team the other day, and in the middle of it one of them proclaimed:

"It's just a filament of your imagination"

I'm not sure if he then had a "the lightbulb switched on" moment and realised what he'd said, because he pretty much shut up on the spot.

Try to crawl out of this one

Open plan offices have much to offer, none the least of which are LFs. Here's another I just overheard:

"...and to do so would open a can of worms in a minefield"

Then silence, as this poor little digger was left realising his sentence was stranded in no mans' land.

Pay some irrespect

I overheard this as I walked past a workstation this morning:

"Irregardless, we should still..."

With all due irrespect, I think you've just committed a language funny.

Point of order

Last night while wandering along King St, Newtown, we came across a new eatery under construction. They had an advertisement in the window looking for various staff including:

Head Chef

Chef

Waitstaff

Barrister/Bar

So we've had the internet cafe, the bookshop cafe, the carwash cafe and now it looks like in the latest joint venture you can sip on a latte while waiting for your case to be heard.

Dark, sinister, or just an innocent mistake?

Is there any truth to the rumour that a LF blogger lists:

"johnnie darko"

as one of his or her favourite movies on his or her blogger profile? Is this the spin-off film following Donnie's brother, or the Director's cut featuring lots of whisky product placement?

ADHDvertising

It's the blogger formally known as g-dav here, reincarnated as the Doctor of Rocket Surgery thanks to losing my cookies when I got a new laptop, & Blogger changing the way their accounts work. Anyway thats not important right now. What is is the comment I overheard this morning in relation to a new advertising campaign that was described as being:

"A real attention stopper"

Maybe we've found the cause of ADHD - eye-stopping, attention-grabbing advertising?

Lonely Leaker

The Dazzler and I were thrilled to hear what David Hicks had had for breakfast on the day of his extradition and turned on the news that night in the hopes of finding out his lunch menu. We were not disappointed. (meat and salad roll)

We were, however, scandalised that someone had leaked some top-secret information regarding the inflight entertainment our orange person had chosen. We covered our ears so as not to hear that he had indeed watched The Departed. The Dazzler wondered

"How can the person who leaked that sleep with
himself?"

My guess is he was indiscreet about his last girlfriend and now has no choice.

Spare the rod

At lunch recently, a non-blood relative of The Dazzler effortlessly conveyed the idea that something her daughter had done to make life easier for her had, in fact, turned out to be more work that it was worth:

"She's just made a crutch for her own back, you know?"

Sometimes language funnies are just plain efficient.

Boring Administration post...not quite

Hi everyone...

I know I haven't posted for a while... that would be due to the collapse of my entire life around me...

But now that things are on the up, I've had time to check in and notice that our blog has just passed its scond anniversary. The first post was made on Arpil 21st 2005.

Do you think we should celebrate, with, say, dinner in Newtown?

Neil D.

This one's sweet!

I was talking to a person who shall remain nameless yesterday about looking for jobs and they said

"I think you should look for a job with the CSIRO - they're involved in loads of different and varied fields. They even make sugar! ... (long pause) ... Actually that's CSR"

The thing is, without the correction I probably wouldn't have noticed!

Resumé the job hunt

Okay, so I didn't hear these, but I read them and thought them worthy. The following are (allegedly) quotes from resumés of real job seekers:

The paramedic who said he:

Made life-threatening decisions on a daily basis

The childcare worker who boldly proclaimed she could:

Overlook up to 35 children at the one time

And another who was:

Flexible enough to perform in all manner of positions
if the situation gets desperate

Can't cure this typo

I was checking out an online bike shop based in NZ today. The item I was looking at was rather large, so had a bulk shipping charge listed as:

Bulk shipping will incure: NZ$50/AU$40

Sounds like that kind of shipping fee is terminal.

A curly one

From a just-held teleconference during which the higher-than-anticpated sign-up rate to a new programme was discussed, one participant declared:

"We're ahead of the curveball here"

Googly speak that overstepped the mark, hit the deck hard, reared up, and was left to go through to the keeper.

Stripped over

A recent email from my boss detailed how her staff would be spending field time with our representatives. One misfortunate sentence explained that:

"Gareth has a strip planned with Angela for tomorrow."

Not the usual kind of field work one conducts. Fortunately the planned "trip" didn't end up going ahead anyway as Angela was sick. I don't blame her.

No cancer here...

Friends have been in HongKong and bought their daughter a small pink mobile phone. It had an all most Barbie picture on it, with the following slogan in Barbie like font :

"Benign Girl"

Crediting the makers of the phone with some intelligence, we wondered what they could really mean. We checked the thesaurus, perhaps Friendly or Amiable Girl was more their aim than an advertisement for a girl with no skin cancer...

A big house for big brother

A comment on the BBC News website from a disgruntled 'Big Brother' fan bemoaning the contestants' behaviour:

"WELL THERES NOTHING TO SAY BUT WHERE HAVE MANORS AND MORALS GONE AND TREATING EVERYONE WITH RESPECT"

They must think the show should be staged in a bigger house!

Can you imagine - "Big Brother would like to speak to Jade in the drawing room please" or "You failed in this week's challenge, so you lose 50% of the clay pigeons allocated to you on Monday"

the lesser of two formers

a quote from my brother justifying his decision not to make quitting smoking one of his top new years priorities: "well, if you compare using cocaine or something to cigarette smoking, cigarettes are really the latter of two evils." which is true i guess...

From a phonecall with a mother with similar lack of functioning brain cells

"It was all over the show..."

Does that mean the shop has to go on?

A right goose

This brightened up my Monday no end. From a clearly passionate blogger regarding the Howard government's sluggish action on climate change:

we can no longer beleive the proper gander
and deceptive spin that our government
delivers

After protest, the next step is to come up with a proper sition for his MP.

Divided we concur?

From an email today, and I quote:

"...but this complexifies the model as we would have to manage too many objectives if we demultiply the objectives"

I'll let it speak for itself.

Poorly grounded

Someone at work today is obviously far too busy, given their comment:

"I've been working myself in to the bone!"

No doubt accompanied by much blood, sweat & tears.

Access success

Our secure internet log-in requires you to utilise a "SecureID" token to verify you have permission to access the site. This is done using a small fob that displays a 6-digit code that changes every minute. You enter the code on the website, and a message appears advising if you log-in has been successful or not. If you're successful you're told that your:

"Identification succeeded"

I would have thought this meant your log-in is now out of date, but it lets you access anyway.

Ebay Engrish is fun!

Wow, not only do I have to struggle to find something actually wearable while breastfeeding, but I get to read great descriptions of nursing tops like this:

"This shirt avoid discommodiousness at working or forgather in lactation..."

Sounds bloody complicated.

Miss Communication 2006

Oops, a deadline was sent out in an email, but we actually wanted an item actioned earlier. Anyone affected was offered my apologies for the missed communications from this end.

Someone was way off message with our target audience.

short order

Asagao, at Manly Wharf, has a quality, but limited selection of take-away options. This was restricted even further now that the photo displaying the beef udon is marked "out of order".
We had the chicken.

an oversion to spelling

As a member of The Wilderness Society, I'm treated to monthly letters urging me on to greater heights of activisim and generosity. The language is as florid as a Chinese translation and has such gems as this to keep members amused:

"... the United Nations identified the two primary drivers of species extinction as habitat destruction and human-induced climate change, and said that immediate action must be taken to overt the crisis."

It could be a simple plea to 'out' the two-pronged approach to extinction, but I somehow doubt it...

tough day at the office

On a particularly busy night in the restaurant kitchen, things have started bad, gone to worse, then gone downhill and finally over the edge into chaos.
The head chef crystallizes the atmosphere of his anger and frustration as he shouts at everyone

" you guys don't know fuck about shit!!!"

somewhere deep below the concentration , adrenaline and fear, people remind themselves to laugh at that when its all over.

Blue Blooper

From today's SMH TV guide mag: A brief history of factual TV where shows like Beyond 2000, RPA and Good Medicine were mentioned. This was not a tongue-in-cheek article, no wordplay intended - just the summaries.

Sex (1992-93)
Sophie lee turned factual to frisky when Nine took an up-close and personal look at the social, medical and psychological aspects of our sex lives. No holes were barred and this excellent series was alternately praised and criticised for its frank imagery.

Its legacy lives on...

Exceptional work

Checking my emails this morning I came across two from one of my reps. In the first she asked...

"...if it would be possible to pay this from your pop of money?"

In the other, she was discussing someone who had submitted a scientific paper to a journal and she will...

"...letus know if the journal excepts it."

Ough dare. Lukes like hair spal chequer dusn't werk.

A stink of a problem!

One of our managers was asked to review the reason we were finding air bubbles in some of our silicone parts. The real root cause was because air inside the silicone expanded during the curing process. On the report she wrote:


"Root Cause: Release of gas during silicone curing."


Corrective action: no more beans for our operators!

funny peculiar

I don't even know if this is funny, because I have no idea what it means... I've never heard this expression before and can't find it when googling away. Perhaps the latest thing is not to mix metaphors, but create your own.

This was in an email regarding the fact that our head office contacts the home university of any student who fails 2 or more classes in a semester in Australia. From my counterpart about to make this phonecall, she checks a detail with me because:

I like to be prepared, especially when I'm calling the Citadel
and have to speak to a Colonial!

If anyone has any clue, bail me out!

Thanks, but no thanks.

Julia had recently given some tuition to a girl doing linguistics at Uni. Well, the girl passed with flying colours and left a message on our phone to thank Jules for her help:


"Just wanted you to know ... (blah blah blah) ... passed with 74% ... (blah blah blah) ...
I couldn't have done it with you ... (blah blah blah)"


Charming!

does anyone else find this weird?

"see in-store"

come and see-enquire?
what's in store?
once I'm in there does it all become obvious?
am I currently out-store?

Don't we have shops anymore?

Would you bid for one?

I was looking to inform myself about the history of the current crisis in the middle east, so I put the following string into a search engine: "history of the middle east crisis". This was the third option I was given.


" 3. Looking for Middle East Crisis?
Low prices, wide selection. Find exactly what you want today.
Sponsored by: www.ebay.com "


Mine's in the post - quite literally!

Go into bat

The Dazzler and I had a substitute yoga teacher this week. In a suitably skin-crawly, breathy voice, she announced that:

"we're going to get into meditation straight from the word bat"

This phrase then became my mantra for the duration of the class... She stayed breathy but endeared herself further during the class, you'll be glad to hear.

Singaporeans have had enough! To eat!

Headline in a Singaporean newspaper (reprinted in The Guardian): "S'poreans are fed, up with progress!"

Machine which goes "ping"

On the way up to the maternity ward I notice beneath the emergency stop button in the Mater hospital lift,

"unauthorised use of this button effects the working of this elevator"

at least they have a constant supply of people 'qualified' to make the lift work for the staff.

Imminently expecting mother "...but what do I do?"

John Cleese as doctor "Nothing dear - you're not qualified."

Sort it out

I've just been reading a new scientific paper on one of my drugs, which concludes with the sentence:

"The elegant simplicity of targetting biologic therapies will help sort the whey from the chaff..."

Milking it for all its worth? They though they curd right whatever they wanted? Wheat will they come up with next?

Immaculate misconception

I spotted this in a brochure (a friend's brochure) advertising an information evening for expecting dads. One of the exciting events listed for the night was the opportunity to:

"Talk to a dad who delivered his own baby"

A night probably well worth the $50 entry fee.

a good sought

From the Art Gallery of NSW weekly email listing Akmal Saleh as guest speaker this Wednesday (as if that wasn't unlikely enough):

After only a few years, Akmal became one of the most sort after acts, touring with International Comedians such as Steven Wright, Ben Elton and the Amazing Jonathan.

Talk about being pigeon-holed.

House rules apply

Our admin assistants have a monthly meeting, and the MD's new admin assistant has decided she will now be responsible for running them. From her email announcing this:

"I have explained that any meeting that I Chair will be coordinated in a co-herant and organised manor"

I know we're short on meeting rooms around here, but have they really had to go offsite to a stately home? Anyone know what a herant is or what happens when you put something alongside one of them?

is it a language funny or a pile of...

Not sure it really qualifies here, but given some of Gdav's I figure why not.
Maybe you all read it, but I'm surprised by those who haven't heard it yet (obviously they read some OTHER newspaper)

Our friends Brad and Ange (just to clarify - not the cult leaders, but the celebrities) have named their baby Shiloh Pitt.

Swap P, and Sh.go on.

and my Mother in Law thinks she has a right to complain about baby names to me!?!!
phwaah (sound of dismissal).

Last call

I was sitting in Sydney Airport patiently waiting to board my plane when an announcement along the lines of
"This is the last call for Qantas flight xx. Would Mr Zhu Ming please make your way to gate 33 immediately. "
boomed over the loud speakers. As this was repeated in various ways over about a 20 minute period, it became quite plain that this poor man was having an identity crisis and he was not zooming at all!!

A dish best served...

I heard this one on ABC 702 this afternoon... A woman had lunch at her mother-in-law's, and after the main course the mother got up from the table and announced she was:

"Serving a Vendetta (Vienetta) for desert"

And now for a few words (or not) from our Patron:

Not some of his better (or worse) moments, but worth a look all the same:

Click here to view

urnotserious

I heard this story today about a doctor who visited the brother of a patient who had just died from prostate cancer. When the doctor arrived, the brother invited him in by saying:

"Please, come on in - we're just writing the urology for the funeral"

Makes me wonder if the doctor was a Eulogist, or if he wet himself laughing.

Fergoodnesssake

Spotted on the way to work this morning - a ute belonging to an airconditioning and electrical service company. The company name/logo emblazoned on the side of said ute looked something like the following:

"Ferconel"

Making a change - but not one the spellchecker suggested

We are about to launch a new insulin called "Lantus", and job adverts for various new positions are flooding the companys' inbox's. The latest begins:

"Lantus changes patient lives"

I'm not sure if this means you need to suffer from diabetes and multiple personality disorder, or if the fact that you've waited for four years for the government to out it on the PBS means it will work for you.

It all fell apart at the end

At the end of a colleague's performance review, which had generally been very positive, her managed summed up by saying:

"This year has really fallen in to pieces for you hasn't it?"

Only when it comes to mixed metaphors.

Wishful thinking?

A friend I used to work with is shaving his head for the World's Greatest Shave in aid of Leukaemia. This was part of his email requesting sponsorship.


"This is also an excuse for me to look into the future and see what I will look like in five years when the rest of my already reseeding hair falls out."


It was one of those examples where the world would be poorer had Microsoft developed the sense checker instead of the spell checker.

For the love of...

Dunno what caused this one - was the spellchecker not quite forthright enough? Or maybe she just had a listhp and was using voice recognition software (V.4). Or then perhaps she just didn't hit the "U" key with enough force. There could even be a fourth reason, however the email began:

"The forth of the NSW Alliance on-line talks will..."

Which reminds me - only 3 more sleeps until International Star Wars Day on... May the Fourth.

Major boredom

From a teleconference this time. One participant spoke of:

"A general lack of apathy"

I guess sometimes you just really can't be asked...

Thorough through and through

Browsing through a homewares shop in Newtown the other day, I had a triple take at a sign about their delicate decor:

CUSTOMERS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO TOUCH THE FOLIAGE THOUGH'S WHO DO WILL BE SHOT IN THE BACK ROOM...

I didn't read the rest of the sign, was already laughing too hard. I didn't touch the foliage though.

very un-meaningful

It's my pleasure to write up a report on our clients' qualitative responses to our surveys. One standout I think I will use just to illustrate the amount of consideration put into the feedback we get:

I always had to buy my own drink and bring it with me to all meals because what was offered was very un-tasteful

Good to know what an international university education can offer...

Dastardly double-crossing

Gotta love a good meeting... here's something from one this afternoon:

"We'll double-cross that bridge when we get to it"

Something bound to confuse everyone, no matter how green the grass on whichever side of the fence you choose to jump over the bar of. But double-crossing a bridge makes me wonder why you would even bother in the first place.

No riff-raff

Guy at work's sister is eating something she would usually dislike, his parents ask,"why you eating that- you hate it!".
Reply is "I'm sophisticating" (subtext; obviously)


response from other guy at work; "What was she eating?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah , she might have been de-sophisticating. "

all the chefs laugh......

You idiot - shh, its a secret

Its been a while, but Jay and the Doctor were back at it on JJJ this morning. When talking to someone travelling up to Cairns and looking for some hitchhikers to share the driving in his 12-seater troop-mover, the Doctor asked of the vehicle...

"Are there any other idiosecrecies our listeners
should be made aware of?"

If there were, they weren't going to stay secrets for long being broadcast across the nation.