Major boredom

From a teleconference this time. One participant spoke of:

"A general lack of apathy"

I guess sometimes you just really can't be asked...

Thorough through and through

Browsing through a homewares shop in Newtown the other day, I had a triple take at a sign about their delicate decor:

CUSTOMERS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO TOUCH THE FOLIAGE THOUGH'S WHO DO WILL BE SHOT IN THE BACK ROOM...

I didn't read the rest of the sign, was already laughing too hard. I didn't touch the foliage though.

very un-meaningful

It's my pleasure to write up a report on our clients' qualitative responses to our surveys. One standout I think I will use just to illustrate the amount of consideration put into the feedback we get:

I always had to buy my own drink and bring it with me to all meals because what was offered was very un-tasteful

Good to know what an international university education can offer...

Dastardly double-crossing

Gotta love a good meeting... here's something from one this afternoon:

"We'll double-cross that bridge when we get to it"

Something bound to confuse everyone, no matter how green the grass on whichever side of the fence you choose to jump over the bar of. But double-crossing a bridge makes me wonder why you would even bother in the first place.

No riff-raff

Guy at work's sister is eating something she would usually dislike, his parents ask,"why you eating that- you hate it!".
Reply is "I'm sophisticating" (subtext; obviously)


response from other guy at work; "What was she eating?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah , she might have been de-sophisticating. "

all the chefs laugh......

You idiot - shh, its a secret

Its been a while, but Jay and the Doctor were back at it on JJJ this morning. When talking to someone travelling up to Cairns and looking for some hitchhikers to share the driving in his 12-seater troop-mover, the Doctor asked of the vehicle...

"Are there any other idiosecrecies our listeners
should be made aware of?"

If there were, they weren't going to stay secrets for long being broadcast across the nation.

Disguise in the skies

A German friend of mine has been thanking God for sending her "blessings in the skies" for about 10 years now, only to discover recently that she should have been cursing "disguise" for her blessings instead.

Coupling... two words together

In an article in the SMH today about dating, one reader comments on what she referred to as:

"Causual sex"

Is this the name given to sex when an informal, causal relationship is established?

That hurts!

A post-Academy Awards comment from the SMH today:

"Any 'academy' that could nominate ANY of the 'Lord of the Rings' films for best editing deserves to be burnt to the ground, and have salt poured into the ruins".

Or, if it was easier, they could just have Lot's wife stand on top and look back.

One more time for the dummies

The Western Australian Government is proposing tougher anti-hoon laws to tackle road rage and allow police to take evidence from witnesses. Premier Alan Carpenter bemoans that currently, "people's lives are at threat on our roads" while hoons are left to speed and cut off other drivers.

But once is not enough. It's a formula that works! He then continues, asserting that, "people should not have to feel like their safety is at threat or their lives at risk..."

He can manage disyllabic words like 'people' and 'safety', so why not 'threatened'??

I can't explain it

How come "indescribable" is an adjective?

Alley Cats

So, my supervisor, Chad (thanks, Graham), and his fellow band member, DJ Armee were discussing the success of their band's new album. Apparently, FDEL's Audio Fdelity had real appeal.

"Yeah, it's really bowling people away"

Let's hope the hype doesn't blow over...

Clever Lever

From a NY Times article about young Yanks choosing to work abroad to gain experience:

"It's not a money-making move," she said. "It puts you in a position to leverage yourself."

Right off a cliff, perhaps?

Khartoum strip

My latest mission.

Hi all,
The car for this weekend is booked in Paula's name, to be collected on
Friday ...(email body) ...I have booked a sudan.
All for now,
(insert supervisor's name here)


I'll be steering Africa's largest country this weekend - put your seatbelts on!

A traffic sign?

The SMH today quotes the Chief Executive of Leighton Contractors, who are currently building (&/or rerouting) the Lane Cove Tunnel. His name?:

Wal King

Nothing particularly funny there, unless you remove the space between his names. A touch ironic for someone wor king (ba-boom!) in the transport infrastructure industry.

Position well and truly vacant

My admin assistant noticed the following from that bastion of news, current affairs and unbiased reporting - The Manly Daily - in the jobs section:

"Administartion Assistant

Required for local finical planning firm..."

The sooner they get someone who knows that "F7" is a shortcut for the spellchecker the better. In case you're wondering, finical is a real word, and means "effectively or excessively precise in an unimportant matter". What, like a job advert?

Clashing (s)words

Adam Spencer started on ABC 702 breakfast this morning, and in referring to a co-worker who had interviewed Peter Costello said:

"You and he have locked swords before haven't you?"

I wonder if they've clashed horns as well?

But of course the question on everyones' lips is will Adam bring back his signature in giving out the time once each morning with the hour wrong (i.e. saying its a quarter to eight when its really a quarter to seven) - did anyone else ever notice this on JJJ?

aah those commentators

I am expecting numerous precious gems via the commentators for the Winter Olympics as they struggle with their own excitement/boredom to say something... anything.

RE: The skeleton (downhill louge(?) on your stomach facing forwards)

"...it looks harder than it looks.."

so does commentating!

Synapses not quite connecting

In a meeting this morning when someone was asked about future plans they said:

"I wasn't thinking that far apart"

Obviously they weren't using ahead - either theirs, or anyone elses.

Triple mixed metaphor!

Julia was in such a hurry to get the words out that she mixed three metaphors in one sentence!

"... I just didn't want to rock the egg cart."

To give her some credit, she immediately recognised the mistake and suggested I blog it! Could this be a record? I might contact Guinness and find out.

Excessive adjective use - its just not cricket

Last night during the ABC's cricket coverage, Kerrie O'Keefe (is he a better commentator than he was a cricketer?) said:

"Sri Lanka may be chasing a total in excess of over 300 here."

Imagine if Australia had got closer to 400 - Sri Lanka may have been chasing a total in well excess of greater than past and more than over 300.

the regal interim, and a new cult?

The man responsible for security at the Sydney Olympic Games and the Paralympics declared

"in the inter-regium between the Olympic and the Paralympic games the redeclaration of the holy war by some terrorist groups caused some problems. But in the end Olympi-ism won the day."

Or maybe it was just securi-ism, a recent international trend that's catching on like a Bush fire.

It's all internal anyway

yeah, ebay again...

Looking for the perfect dress for that occasion that has co-insided with your pregnancy?

I'm not sure who is supposed to be wearing the dress, you or the baby, mabybe both of you simultaneously?

Well it's theoretically if not grammatically possible.

sparkles, bad spelling, sparkles, bad spelling...

Seriously, I don't mind a typo or two but Ebay makes me cringe sometimes which I suppose is the snobb(!) in me...

Beautiful Green sequence and lace top

and No clever dix, there wasn't a pattern of green shading, followed by lace, followed by green ...

Its basic, its practical

"Its basical"

Or so said our new (Dutch) MD at a meeting today.

Also, does anyone else find it ironic that the MD of a large company that depends on intellectual property rights, copyright and patent protection spoke about his $10 Chinese Rolex? I don't know if it was a basical Rolex though...

Not one of mine...

Sorry not mine, stolen from the SMH care of a more avid sports fan than I :

Commentator getting clever with metaphors described Ian Thorpe at the end of a race as "dismounting from the pool".

aah.. no actually.

sorry meester fawlty

Looking for a post-able pres for Brother Gaz:

Getting Handsome – A Makeover Manuel for Men

I really hope he won't like it.

who's the free-est of them all?

I have a kindred spirit out there! I mustn't be the only one to get funny looks from the Toby's Estate crew. From the adbusters email digest today:

does anybody else stumble, saying 'free' where they mean 'fair' trade?
As in, "we bought some free trade coffee last week.
Damn, I mean..."
I seem to do it ALL the time.
Fortunately no capitalists have been in the room to pick me up on it,yet.

If a tree falls in a forest and you've seen it happen, is it still a language funny?

An innovative innovation

In an email my boss received this morning, a service was described as being:

"...a new innovation..."

As opposed to a new, novel, modern, forward-stepping, imaginative, advanced, innovative innovation perhaps?

testing the wind

hiya all.

as a new invitee (courtesy of paula) allow me to present some humble offerings from a rather large report by a very hardworking colleague...

"UNDP and DMWG organized a bribing meeting on 3rd October to share the report, ongoing activities and mechanism for coordination of ongoing activities."

"...poverty irradiation through microfinance ..."

and in the annual review of emergency relief activities:
"... a joint assessment of draughts in two provinces..."

from a completely different source (a different continent in fact) I could also mention a recent joint effort by contributors to this very blog in the vicinity of some well-decanted wine. something about about how people in glass ceilings shouldn't throw stones?

Sick people are waiting

An email from our warehouse this morning, advising they were now right to start receiving goods again after getting a touch too full:

"You may now continuing with receipts. Thank you for
your patients in this matter."

Hmm, I thought that working for a pharma company we made the drugs, not the people who take them?

sieve for meaning

For those of you who fondly remember the 15th August, 2005 entry, you'll be glad to hear that the phrase featured is gaining momentum.

I was at the World Famous Queenscliff Boxing class last night and our favourite swinger (you choose how many senses of the word) came out with:

...for all intensive purposes...

I can assure you it was a very rigorous workout.

Apologies if you can't hold on

One of our IT technicians sent an email this morning regarding some necessary maintenance that was required to one of our servers. His closing sentence:

"All should be completed by 11:30 and we apologies (okay, a simple left-hand-before-right-hand typo) for any incontinence"

I'm guessing the server was the one responsible for live streaming?

An "oldie but goldie" ...

... from the CEO's personal assistant.

"Drinks will be from 4pm onwards on the balcony outside IT on level 1 (whether permitting)."

Drinks might depend on whether the CEO assesses the weather with her.

Not bald...

Weird show, I didn't stay long - called "Shopping for love", another 'reality' show which says it all.
However, part of the beginning is the potential suitors go through the contestant's house sans contestant in an aim to get to know them. The contestant watches on a DVD player with inane host/ess. Asked how she felt about 3 strange men wondering through her home and underwear drawer the 21 yr old single for 6 months contestant replied:

"... I mean he ran the fine comb through everything."

I didn't stay for further gems.

sew sexy

Settling down to read my new dessert cookbook, doing the right thing and reading the foreword to set the tone, i had a quiet chuckle over this from one of the giants in my field about some of the rising stars,

"And, as for their approch to technique, well I would call it a seamless mating of art and science."

Art and science copulating with no visible stitching, in the end it must mean better desserts for you and me.

One from the Sun Herald!

On Yesterday's back page:

"Sam Stosur flew the flag for Australia yesterday with a gusty performance..."

Too many beans for lunch I reckon.

New Year, New Theme

hope y'all like it...

Spring Beans

My mother commenting on my hyper-active 11 month old son:

"He's really like a jack in the bean-box"

Suicide is painless

"Top Gear", the irreverend BBC motoring show is now on SBS, and if you haven't seen it yet I highly recommend it. On last night's show two of the hosts spent 24 hours inside a new compact car. They overnighted in a haunted forest, and in talking about one of the ghosts said:

"The schoolmaster was found hanging from a tree by his pupils"

Two heads are better than one

'er indoors & I have just spent a week in Tasmania. We overnighted in a town called Oatlands at a B&B run by two semi-retired gay folk from Brisbane. Now this in itself was a funny story, but not a language funny.

Deciding where to dine that night wasn't a hard choice. We could go to the RSL, if it hadn't been a Sunday (their night off) or the other pub (the fancy one, which had table cloths!), so we ended up at the other pub (which proved to be marginally better than going hungry).

Now these Tasmanian country folk had put their heads together and come up with some a little brochure detailing all the pub had to offer on the back of the menu. Given the wide range of menu options, there was plenty of room left over to do so. So what did the pub have to offer?

Accomdation (sorry - no 5 syllable words allowed)

Fuction room (hate to imagine what went on in there)

Sky Chanell (showing French movies, perhaps?)

The elusive compass

In an email from on high meaning more work for me:

Perhaps you and she may establish a procedure for this ... a task that has alluded us to this point

I feel led to water, but I'm still not thirsty.

The power of the mind

From an email sent by our QC Inspector.

"As you know we use the dial for adjusting the cleanroom pressure. It always falls down and makes the reading higher. I have already asked Irene to put it back to the right place several times. It looks to be temporally stuck there. I thought we need to improve the method to adjust the pressure. Do you have any good idea?"

Here's my good idea: Sub-contract a hypnotist to temporally unstick it.

A lore unto himself

From an email volley regarding current events:

The guy I refer to 'IS' Cronulla. He is the guy who has folk law writing about him.

Perhaps he's referring to the unwritten code of behaviour in the Shire. Surfers write it, vigilantes enforce it?

I think Morris Iemma wishes he could get some folk to do some law writing, too.

those crazy summer nights...

A colleague at work is doing a community survey in which people make written submissions in response to questions. This was our fave:

"Food cafes and takeways should be open till late as many people don't want to go to pubs and restaurants - to be able to buy some takeways and sit on the beach on the barmy summer nights is fabulous."

You just never know what nutty things will happen in Manly on a nice summer night while you're sitting there on the beach with a takeway, do you?!

very freudian

One of my clients is THE most computer technological inept person I've ever come across, so I respect the fact that he has run a business by himself for the last year.
However, occaisionally I get impatient - I know it's hard to imagine...;) and I was trying to be diplomatic about some instructions I had written which he had queried:

"That just says (blah blah blah) to me" said he.

"No, that's cool, it's best to aim to the lowest common dumbinator" mispronouces I.

He didn't notice, but that was a freudian slip if I ever I wore a nightgown..

The best-ing-er-est-able weekend ever

In an email received this morning:

"What did you get up to? It was too gooder weekend to spend at home..."

Does that mean if you had en enjoyable weekend you were a do-gooder?

Keeping a close eye on VSU

Barnaby Joyce was on the radio this morning (yes I know, hard to believe innit?) discussing the Voluntary Student Union Bill which is due to debated in the Senate this week. In between making multiple references to "requiring facilities so that students become functioning members of society" (?!?!), when questioned about changes to the legislation he said:

"...there has not been one nanocentimetre of movement on the Government's behalf..."

Ah if you paid as much attention to correct units of measurement as you are to the Government's actions you would know that there nanocentimetre is actually 10 picometres (10exp-12 from memory). But a point well made - looks like some of those fees could be well spent on conversion charts for the decibel system.

genus at work

Posted on a staff noticeboard advertising tickets to our nightclub's NYE event

"with headlining acts ......(UK),....(UK),....(AUS),....(live PA) and percussionists plus a genre of local DJ's"

should be a class act, or something of that sort....

If you truly love something...

From a description of a device that stores info from your mobile sim card:

You loose your phone, you loose your life. If you don’t have your numbers, how do you call people? Who owns a phone book these days? That’s exactly what your phone’s for.

Feeling tense? Throw your mobile away!

Mistaken National Indentity

I was watching the Gymnastics the other night as well and the Australian girl was about to perform on "The Floor". She was in with the chance of a medal and the commentator in his excitement and haste announced that she was from Austria!!!

I have heard this happen before but never from an Australian. I was shocked!

No mirrors in the gym, please

Watching the Gymnastics World Championships in Melbourne, my lovely life noticed that one of the gymnasts was named "Anastasia Lukin". Harmless, right? Well, it appears that a Russian shortening for Anastacia, one that the commentator had a penchant for, is "Nastya".

Poor old Nastya Lukin. "Nastya Lukin" than who, I wonder?

Up for a duck

On the radio today the treasurer Peter Costello was discussing the pros and cons of short term seasonal work in Australia such as fruit picking. The question was whether one should import seasonal labour from overseas, or keep those jobs for Australians. Using a timeless Aussie metaphor, the radio interviewer suggested that it would be difficult to ask Australians to "pull up stumps" and move to the country for such short term work.

A feature of all propaganda is the ability to bewilder an unsuspecting radio audience with the invention of a new verb. The treasurer's response was:

"Do you really think that it is easier to up-stump people from overseas, rather than to up-stump Australians for those jobs?!?"

Just what English needed. A verb for "semi-voluntary short-term relocation".

Runaround Jury

I love attending conferences.

So here we are discussing new and innovative ways to reduce the amount of data entry done in the office by getting students to do it directly into an online database. (Wish you were there?)
Anyway, it can be a confusing business for those switching over to a new system and changes are bound to happen as a result of some testing,

"but it's really a case of trial by error."

Another argument against the death penalty, perhaps?

Still a contender - if you can be read

Meetings - where would we be without them? At one this morning attended by a colleague of mine, she gave up counting the number of times the following phrase or ones like it were used:

"They can still be illegible to enter if..."

I guess it depends on whether you can read their application form or not.

which side?

At my daughter's first dance recital(?)/concert thingy (yes she was fabulous and gorgeous and of course stole the show, well sang the loudest!) the dance teacher was giving awards and speeches and thanked Simo profusely for being her "left hand man".

Does that mean she's his right hand woman?
Or that she's left handed?

All language funnies members present agreed it just wasn't quite right... thoughts anyone?

Facing up to terrorism

Last night on Lateline, a National politician whose name I didn't catch was discussing Labour's view of the new terrorism legislation in light of the arrests made yesterday. I quote:

"Labor have egg all over their face from head to toe"

Unlike whoever he was, who after saying something like this hasn't?

Cleaning: a fun way to get around or just depressing?

Noted today in a sign on the wall at the office, detailing the cleaner's obligations was the following bullet point:

"Hard floors to be swept and reception area moped daily"

Funny, I've never seen him bring his scooter in, but he does walk around looking a touch depressed.

Never say goodbye

On an indigenous harbour cruise last Monday (yes, it was work), our commentator gave an ample preamble and then,

Without further adieu, let's get on with it.

An oldie but a goodie.

new summer fashion: the upholstered look

In a uni 'what's on' email:

The 2005 Annual Charteris Lecture, USYDJustice Michael Kirby, The High Court of Australia 'The Universal Declaration on Bioethics and Human Rights'6.00pm pre-dinner drinks, 6.30pm for 3 course meal and wine, Dress: Lounge Suite/Day Dress

It can get awfully tiresome standing about for a large dinner and talk.

It's not that kind of meeting

Same bloke as before, getting confused in making sure they had enough seats occupied at a face-to-face meeting:

"We need more bums on faces at the meeting"

"...on a thought process made for two..."

Another one from the office environment:

"Everyone is going off on their own tandem"

The Road More Travelled

The Great Robini was heard to utter more than traditionally exacting ultimatum last Saturday:

"It's my way is the highway"

I think David Koresh was convinced of a similar notion.

Slow moving house for sale

Checking out property at domain.com.au I came across one house described as having...

"An elevanted position"

Well if its situated on the back of a 5 tonne pachyderm, I guess it would do.

Beaten to the punch

Dazzler,

Our IT dept. must be in synch with yours - i have just received an email with

"The server is back online. Thank you for your patients."

Maybe they learn it in at IT school or something?

King of your domain

Not meaning to bring the tone down in any weigh, shape of form here are some real-life websites that aren't what they look like - I kid you not:

The Who Represents database for agencies to the rich & famous:
www.whorepresents.com

The Experts Exchange - supposedly for people with knowledge on programming:
www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a new pen - get one from the island:
www.penisland.net

Need some therapy but don't know where to find it? Try:
www.therapistfinder.com

Or perhaps just something for the garden - you might visit the nursery at Mole Station here in NSW:
www.molestationnursery.com

a phoenix rises from the kettle

A reporter discussing the collapse of the Lane Cove Tunnel:

"The dream has now evaporated into a whole new reality"

Now we know how reality came into being.

Not wasting your words

In an email I just received...

"Need less to say..."

It was only six sentences all up.

Is there a Doctor in the house?

Our IT department - probably like all IT departments - is a little overworked. To their credit, they retain a happy demeanor and never neglect those little pleasantries that help to grease the corporate wheels. This was the sign-off to an email advising of an upcoming server outage:

"Thank you for your patients."

At least you can tell they're trying....

a twist of melon

This is a nice mix of a few I've heard lately...

I'm going to breach the subject of time zones. Problems can arrive when we belive that G-Dav is actually at work at 12:06am posting language funnies - probable as that may be... I've changed the at'tributes (that's for ppl who can read stress markings) on the blog time settings. You definitely might notice that we're now posting on the same time and date that we actually live in. Hopefully it'll prove an insensitive for you to write more.

Thanks mostly to the training guy for InDesign who, incidentally, is the only person in the world not to remark that Caro and I speak in unison and could poss. be related.

Having a laugh with some wobbly words

I've just got out of another meeting which concluded with one attendee stating:

"If it doesn't work, we can just regiggle things"

Shh - I think I'm trying to cry

At lunch today, a colleague said:

"If that was the case, I'd be quelling up right now"

Yeah I was there and I have no idea what she was trying to say either.

Torment Graveller

From the Citysearch website, having recommended a French restaurant there were other options under:

More gourment dining

A new trend you could enlighten us on, Alex?

no footsy in Forster or you might fester

A politician on the radio was discussing the new shoot-to-kill laws in Australia. He said:

"We should not do anything to help fester terrorism"

Now, don't get me wrong. I take his point, even if I think the new laws are ridiculous. But I was interested in a new lexeme that has crept into Aussie English.

Can fester be used in this way, i.e. as transitive verb analogous to 'foster' except that it has opposite connotations?

I think these two make a fascinating word-pair, where the simple change of a vowel can suggest that you are nurturing either a beautiful young baby boy named William, or in danger of producing a young man who suddenly turns dangerous and violent, growing out of the slime of your obviously dysfunctional family home, possibly nick-named Billy.

Funny as...something that's really funny

This came from our Communications Officer. I thought it deserved a posting:

Her simile was like a vast, glittering tower of metaphors and analogies – only without the crenulations and towers and drawbridges and other architectural stuff….

As any anxious parent of an HSC candidate can tell you: It’s that time of year again. The following is a list of similes found in Year 12 English essays .....

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a shopping bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to The wall.

… and now at least you know what a simile is.

Another care of the George...

Said my Mum to the G "Come on, lets go and give Mummy a break"
Said G indignantly (oh the stupidity of the adults I must deal with)
"But she's NOT abreak. Mummy's all fixed."

care of the George

watching a cute kids show where dragon was planning his own surprise party, Giorgia proudly told me that "mummy, dragon hid the presents for the elephant of surprise"

Yeah, it's a kid's show but I think she still misquoted the "element of suprise".


(adendum - thought this might be relevant, paula.)

The good oil

A quote from the Australian of 12/10/05 in regard to oil prices:

"Where there is a persistent trend for some particular price to rise quickly over a longish period of time..."

An example of persistent oxymoronic paradoxical contradictions over a rather short period of time?

the space between us

In an email received today:

For more information regarding XXXXXX, please visit our web site: www.XXXXXXX.com.au. If you would like to be apart of the XXXXXX 2005/06 PROGRAM, please feel free to contact me at any time (as per my details below).

I'm not using their phone provision next semester in view of the complete absence of service. I would definitely like to remain apart - should I freely contact him??

Nervous exploration

So I get home from roaming the globe, having given the builder my front door key (clearly he's only used it for decorative purposes), and use the secret back door key to get in. As security protocol at Adams St requires, my faithful flatmate has deadlocked the front door and I can't actually get out of the front door, let alone get my luggage in...
Luckily the Dazzler has the brilliant idea of simply removing the flyscreen and handing the hefty suitcases through the window. Necessity being the mother of all invention, we continue using this method to take lunch outside onto the deck and devise a cunning plan proving that two stools make a stile. Elegantly stepping up onto the stool, through the window and down onto the outside stool is fine for the young and oh-so-agile. However, the parental unit are planning on making an afternoon coffee visit. (Where's the language funny, you ask?)
So, I'm waiting for Mother and Father Dearest to make an appearance and roll their eyes at their strange middle child's way of life. For those of you who know them, punctuality is not a problem and they were due at 4:30.
It's 4:35 and they still haven't arrived... 4:40... 4:45.... (watch, window, watch, window) At which point the Dazzler observes,

"You keep glancing up with this look of intrepidation"

I suppose I was quite fearful at how bold my folks would be.

Epilogue:
True to form, Gail took the challenge and was half way through the window before announcing her arrival and their new dalliance with tardiness. Xochitl arrived home and allowed them a more horizontal exit...

The Latest in Communication!!

Whilst driving back from Wagga Wagga yesterday (pause for sound of falling cutlery ... then again maybe not) we cruised past a Ute with many large antennas, aerials, masts etc. adorning the front bull bar. Julia had a sneaky peek at the driver and remarked

"He's talking on his CBD radio"

Did she mean his mobile?

Wheels keep on rolling

Popped up in a meeting the other day:

"We can start getting the balls in motion"

Nice piece of juggling that.

An Angel in the House

From http://www.crikey.com.au/articles/2005/09/23-1109-2689.html

"Take out all the politics and personal vitriol and you are left with a male, aged around his 40s, having suffered illness and who has been confronted by his own immortality..."

Yes, it's true, there are still some folk out there who think Mark Latham is an angel.

Unfortunate Incentive

A lady on ABC radio, who happened to have been at the ground the last time the Swans won the AFL grand final in the 30s, was commenting on how much this weekend means to her:

"it's like the carrot at the end of the donkey"

hee- haww.

Golden Oldies

Found a couple of LFs written down from pre-e days.

Caro (take a bow) explaining how it is that her friend's mother could make financial decisions on behalf of her own ailing parent:

She has power of eternity over her dad's affairs

Superman never had that.

*************
Cousin Kaz (of 'I've only tipped the iceberg' fame) on her tour of Italy:

We set off into Rome with avengance
That pick-pocket will wish he'd never messed with this tourist...

They were sights to be held
Sometimes historic monuments need a little lovin' too.
************

Em, you might be able to clarify the context of this one:

There I was in all my refinery, going to a wedding on the back of a truck
Hope she didn't get refined for not wearing a seatbelt.

famous funnies

For those slow times when the funnies posts are a little lean, here's somewhere to spend an hour or two in tears, disbelief and laughter.

http://www.dubyaspeak.com/

We can outcompete with anybody.

Laptop or lap & top?

I was down in Melbourne yesterday and noticed the following sign at the security checkpoint:

"Laptop computers must be removed from their cases and presented as two separate parts"

Unfortunately my screen doesn't detach that easily - or maybe it does? I wasn't willing to try it though.

Body or word contortionism?

I met some people at dinner on Friday night, and it appears we are not the only ones tracking misappropriations of the English language - one of the people I met said her workplace had a common folder full of quotes from just one member of staff. Although I couldn't remember them all, this one stuck in my memory:

"I'm bending my arse over backwards for you guys"

Excellent Perspex

This is partly so you get a taste of what it's like to work with 'chipper cheerful' Americans, and partly because I found it funny. I'd emailed our US student advisors to let them know a WA university gave us permission to post an excursion video they'd made on our 'Prospective Students' marketing website.

Thanks Paula! I went on the Northwest trip as a student, and this was a great reminder--super cool that it's on the web, I will direct perspective students there to check it out for themselves.

Sometimes I wish our students would just fade off into the distance...

Inn-flamatory restaurant

I've just spent my lunchtime checking out who got what in this year's SHM Good Food Guide comp (http://www.smh.com.au/news/good-living/who-got-what/2005/09/05/1125772455628.html).

Aside from the fact (everyone, cutlery in hand please, and poised over the floor) one of our contributor's restaurant just so happened to win "Restaurant of the Year" (and release cutlery now) I happened to notice that the winner of the Regional Restaurant of the Year was:

"Colitis Inn"

Okay so it wasn't really. It was Collits Inn but it made me do a double take. "What is colitis?" you ask? Its the inflammation of the large intestine and is characterised by cramps, constipation, copious discharge of mucus (but not out your nose), bloating, fever & even pain (what - on top of all that?). Not exactly something I'd be wanting my restaurant to be associated with, even if it was a mistake.

BTW, what do the chefs at a 3-hat restaurant do with the other 2?

Incisive play

During my end of season football trip one of our midfield players went on a mazy run through the opposition defence. Discussing it later on, one of the guys noted

“it was like a knife through hot butter!”

Given the hungover state of the opposition it was probably right on the money.

DHL to the rescue!!

Julia noticed this one whilst perusing some junk mail. It was a flyer from a chiropractor informing us of the need to do something about our bad backs / sore necks. It contained some glowing references, including one from a policeman …

“being in my line of work I had to do something about my lower back spasms or my courier would be over”

Well no wonder it took sooo long

Sited on the web today someone who'd written that...

"Michael & Gello painted the sixteen chapels"

What do you reckon they dropped out of first - English or Art History?

Having a discussion about heat distribution from our chimney (exciting times to be had on a Friday night at our place) with friends. We explained that from our experience, the walls around the chimney do not heat up. We showed a friend that the wall above the fire was not warm, however they could not rest until all walls were tested for evidence of warmth. Going through to the next room with a wall adjoining the chimney, they were proud to show us that it was in fact warmed up from the fire, exclaiming "See, I am worth my weight in salt!"

Caesar's domestic life?

Cousin Kaz decided to get home before writing her travel email about her weeks in Europe (Italy not included), so the excitement levels were a little contained as were her language funnies. There were slim pickings, but there was a good word-order-affects-meaning example in there:

I really made an effort to "do as the Romans do when in Rome"...

their laundry?

Starting with a bang - the French way

I opened an email from our Parisian colleagues advising of a new training course they're starting which is having a...

"Quick-off meeting on September 28"

I guess you don't need more than a day for that kind of meeting. Personally, I'm glad I won't have to be there.

OH&S logic

I turned up to work this morning to find the kitchenette on our level is out of action due to some OH&S issue (what - they've worked out this area contains boiling water?). The sign advising that the kitchen is out-of-order says"

"NOT IS USE"

So if(kitchen=null) or (OH&S issue=1) then (sign) & (spellcheck=null)?

Comment Spam

On a more serious note...I have noticed that we are getting some comment spam...so I have turned on the word verification feature which means that when you comment there is a small verification procedure to go through which will help us avoid automated comments on our blog. Sorry for the inconvenience, but a rolling stone is better than two birds in the moss.

Getting over-exciting

Received in an email this morning, in which the sender was describing the new All Black haka:

"(It was) spine tinkling stuff"

Hadn't previously thought that the vertebral column might be directly attached to the urinary sytem, but I suppose it gives a reason as to why people wet themselves when they get excited. Afterall we all know the impact getting pissed has on the fifth cranial nerve.

joy in the journey

Apparently, some people feel the need whilst telling you a story to give you all the details which are meaningful to them, yet do not necessarily a succinct anecdote make. ( yes, yes, insert incredulous comment here all of you....)

A girl at work dropped this one like a hot knife through a tin roof,

My mother's, ex-partner's, gay-brother's chihuahua.

the rest of the story was far less humorous...